Small Appliance Puppet Theater

George Bush is the Devil. Who knew?

2006-09-20T19:16:00.001-07:00

In a stirring speech to the UN by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, US President George W. Bush was outed as being the Devil. To quote President Chavez:

And the devil came here yesterday.
(APPLAUSE)
Yesterday, the devil came here. Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today, this table that I am now standing in front of.
Yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, from this rostrum, the president of the United States, the gentleman to whom I refer as the devil, came here, talking as if he owned the world. Truly. As the owner of the world.
I think we could call a psychiatrist to analyze yesterday's statement made by the president of the United States. As the spokesman of imperialism, he came to share his nostrums, to try to preserve the current pattern of domination, exploitation and pillage of the peoples of the world.
An Alfred Hitchcock movie could use it as a scenario. I would even propose a title: "The Devil's Recipe."

Indeed, photographic evidence seems to support President's Chavez' pronouncement. Note the horns and the red eyes. The question remains -- how could we have missed it for so long?

New performance date announced

2006-09-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

Small Appliance Puppet Theater is pleased to announce that it will be doing an encore performance of Puppet Government on October 21 as part of a fund-raiser for Democratic congressional candidate John Courage. (can you pick out which one of these photos is the politician?)

Unfortunately, I can't tell you the time and location just yet. It's not a deep dark secret; it just hasn't been decided yet. Check back frequently for details: they'll be posted as we get them.

In the meantime, don't eat the bagged spinach (everyone knows that spinach is a biological weapon and that Popeye was the world's first bioterrorist).

R.I.P. Ann Richards

2006-09-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

Ann Richards died of esophogeal cancer yesterday, so I'm going to let her speak to us today. Rest in peace, Ann.

Ann Richards on How to Be a Good Republican:

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.
6. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.
7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.
8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

New evidence in JFK assassination conspiracy

2006-09-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

Less than a year ago, Vice President Dick Cheney shot a friend. It was an "accident", of course. There was no cover up. The leftist press was just trying to turn our warm, sweet Dick into a scary monster.

But now...

The recent discovery of some old photos from 1963 may actually implicate the current Vice President in the crime of the century. In the photo (above, left) a Cuisinart looking remarkably like a younger Dick Cheney is seen sighting his rifle. And the location in the photograph? It has been positively identified as the notorious "grassy knoll" in downtown Dallas Texas.

A second photo clearly shows two individuals -- confirmed as the ever inseparable Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld -- standing just below the tree pictured in the first photo.

By curious coincidence, Cheney and Rumsfeld were spotted in Dallas last weekend, paying a return visit to the scene of the crime. Not visible in the newer photo is Cheney's "lucky penny" which he carries with him at all times and which is dated...1963.

Evil twin?

2006-09-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

Can you pick out the evil twin in this photo of Donald Rumsfeld and his alter-ego Red Rumsfeld (murda murda)? The one on the right? WRONG! Sure, gangsta rappers talk violence and some of them may even engage in it. But if you're keeping a body count, then the one on the left is the more evil of the two. How many thousands of dead in Iraq? Even if you counted only the American soldiers -- not counting the journalists, contract workers, Iraqi soldiers and citizens -- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is responsible for more deaths than any bro from the hood could imagine.

We TOTALLY Heart Dallas HUB Theater!

2006-09-11T06:36:00.000-07:00

Puppet Government has now played in four theaters, all of which have their own charms. Hyde Park in Austin gave us great audiences during FronteraFest 2006. The Blue Theater was just what we needed for launching ourselves into New York where we were at the Players Loft, a sweet, clean, just-the-right size venue (with, apparently no website I can link you to). But this past weekend at the Dallas HUB Theater? That place ROCKS. The facility was exactly the right size and configuration; the sound system was amazing. But what was even better were the fabulous people we met there.

Tim Shane (pictured at right) is the owner and artistic director. A more generous, helpful person and gracious host never existed. Originally from Chicago, Tim has taken on a mission of making Dallas more indie-theater friendly. If Dallas HUB Theater is an indication of his work, then he's doing a great job. Dallas, are you paying attention?

Jeff Swearingen is a cast member of Puppet Government, and a resident company member of Shane Arts Theatrical Ensemble Rep. We love, love, love Jeff and can't say enough about the amazing contribution he made to this production. Here he is holding Red Rumsfeld (murda murda). Jeff is the author of Rummy's rap and the actor who plays him. We can't wait for another opportunity to work with this amazingly talented, hard working, consummately professional young man.

Any friend of Jeff is a friend of ours, of course, and that's especially true of Cassidy Crown. When we did our fund-raiser here in Austin, Cassidy came down to see the show and ended up running errands and working as an usher. And we didn't even have to ask her to do it -- she volunteered. Her crowning achievement (no pun intended), however, was her own inspired creation of Red Rumsfeld. Again, this was strictly on her own initiative. She found a fruit juicer almost identical to the one we use for Rumsfeld, and she created Rummy's alter ego for Jeff to use in this weekend's production. Does she not rule? Cassidy is also a kick-ass singer, dancer and actor.

Subliminal message to casting directors: Hire Jeff and/or Cassidy! NOW!

Big D (little a-double-l-a-s)

2006-09-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

We're off to Dallas today, yee haw! For those of you who have never been to Dallas, let me give you just a little history. It was settled in 1841, incorporated into a town in 1856. It's been growing ever since. Above is a photo taken in the early 20th Century. At right is Dallas as it appears today.

Some interesting facts about Dallas: In 1855 immigrants from France, Belgium, and Switzerland settled west of town to organize a Fourierist utopian community, La Reunion. In 1937 Dallas blondes went on strike. In 1963 Lee Harvey Oswald was murdered live on TV. In 1984 George W. Bush purchased the Texas Rangers. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions about what all that means because I sure as hell don't know.

And now Small Appliance Puppet Theater is going there. Pulse rate up, adrenaline pumping. First we took Manhattan, now we take Big D! Come see us at the Dallas HUB Theater tonight-Sunday, Sept 8-10.

Red Rumsfeld (murda murda)

2006-09-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

Dallas audiences will be in for a treat this weekend! It seems that Small Appliance Puppet Theater super star Jeff Swearingen accidentally overheard this conversation between Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld and Vice President Dick Cheney:

Rumsfeld: Nobody understands Don Rumsfeld. You know why, Dick? I’ll tell you. It’s because I never wanted to be the bureaucrat you see before you – my secret dream is to be a poet!

Cheney: Like – Emily Dickenson, right?

Rumsfeld: Do I look like some reclusive, sexually ambiguous New England chick? No! Deep inside, I’m an urban poet. Like Heavy D! And Snoop Dog! Don Rumsfeld is down with his homies.

What a revelation! Upon hearing this heartfelt confession, Jeff immediately contacted the Secretary of Defense and offered to collaborate on a new song for the upcoming performance of Puppet Government at the Dallas HUB Theater this weekend. The result was a brilliant Rumsfeld Rap aka "Red Rumsfeld (murda murda)" which will be performed live for the first time this Friday-Sunday.

Just to whet your appetite, here's a tasty little sample:

I believe what I said, I don't know what I said
But I know what I think, assume it's what I said.
Risen' from the bed I possess up in my head
The locations of weapons in Tikrit and BagDEAD
Time to kick Iraqian ass to simply put it best
Cuz the weapons are located to the south east and west
And to the north somewhat, who you callin' a jerk
It's not my business to do intelligent work

Now doesn't that make you want to buy a ticket? Like right now? You can, you know. Tickets can be reserved in advanced by calling 214-749-7010 or E-mail tickets@shane-arts.com.
Please include your
1.) Name
2.) Phone number (preferably mobile)
3.) Number of tickets (and any discounts)
4.) Date, Time and Show.

See you there?

The audience -- the great unknown

2006-09-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

Every audience is different. Everybody knows that. We've had some lively ones and some dead ones. We've cracked some folks up and we've offended others.

The Austin audience was definitely in our corner. We live in the only blue county in an otherwise red state, and folks here are all too happy to vent.

The New York audience was mixed. The 18-30 somethings thought we were the funniest thing to ever come down the pike. Many of the middle agers were too cool to be amused. The 65+ crowd ate us up. That's just the way it was.

The big test, though, comes next weekend when we take this little political tirade called Puppet Government to Dallas, a city not known for its liberal leanings. Who will come to the show? Will we make new friends? Piss off some folks? Open some eyes and hearts? Receive death threats?

These would be easy things to worry about. But I'm going to print something here that one of our cast members shared with me a year or so ago, something she 'borrowed' from another director here in town. I have no idea who wrote it, but I thank whoever it was.

Cast members, I know you read this blog, so this is for you. Audience members, this is for you, too.

To do something really well is rare, and the doing of it is, or should be, its own reward. Hopefully, the audience will appreciate this gift you're giving them: the gift of yourselves. But -- and this is a dinger, this is -- you don't have any control over what the audience does, so you can't expect them to give you anything. Appreciation is hard-won. In order for them to give it, they have to give of themselves as well, in the same way each of you is giving. They have to allow themselves to commune with all of you. But they're tired, they've had long days, many of them are probably getting up in years, so they're totally unprepared in many ways for what you have to offer...

Do you want them to give to you? Of course you do. That's why you're here. To connect, to commune. If that's what you want,... then do what you came to do, do it consistently, for and with each other, and they will give. The easiest way to get someone to give is for you to give first, and here's the tough part -- without EXPECTATION of return. What you should be expecting is not for them to give, but that each of you, individually, will be there for all the others, individually, and tell this story as well as you've been telling it. That is the greatest reward -- the work you do well together. Play for each other, WITH each other, and tell your story well and they probably WILL give to you. Not 'will' but 'PROBABLY will.' And don't hold it against them if they don't. The story is the hand you're holding out to them that says, "Come with me." Whether they choose to take it is unimportant. Some people no longer wish to travel. What's important is that the offering is made.

Gosh, I wish I had written that. And I really appreciate the Dallas HUB Theater taking a risk with us. But hey -- isn't that what theater is all about? Taking risks?

Are you dead... or DANGEROUS?

Puppets in sick bay

2006-09-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

Michael Brown is recovering from extensive back surgery. Tony Snow lost both arms AND his tongue. Poor old Bush Sr. lost everything except one eyebrow. The ride home from New York was obviously not a gentle one.

But who complained the loudest and longest? It's a toss-up between Condoleezza Rice, who lost an earring, causing delays for some of the more critically injured patients while she insisted that the earring in question be found, and Donald Rumsfeld (pictured at right) who needed just a touch of physical therapy on his arms. "Oh Jeez, it hurts, it hurts! Make it stop! Make it stop! Get your filthy hands off me! You're hurting me!" he cried before the physical therapist even touched him.

Though no physical injuries could be found on his body, it is clear that Kermit the Frog, spotted lying semi-
catatonic in his crate, curled up in a fetal position, bore severe psychological wounds. Once he was finally able to talk again, assisted by the gentle coaxing of the Small Appliance Puppet Theater staff psychiatrist, the show-biz veteran said, "I have traveled the world over with actors and artists from many walks of life, but I have never, NEVER sunk so low as to hang out with people like these politicians. All the scheming and back biting! The plans to dominate the world! I felt like I had descended into the pits of hell from which there was no escape. These people -- especially Dick Cheney, if I may be so free as to name names -- make even Oscar the Grouch look like Mother Theresa!" He then tearfully begged not to be forced to ride again in the crates with them to Dallas next weekend.

It must be noted that George W. Bush came through totally unscathed. Again.

Good-bye New York; hello Texas

2006-09-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

Good-bye, New York. Good-bye Players Theater and Players Loft (on the second floor where we performed).

The puppets arrived in Austin yesterday evening. I arrived in Austin around 2 this morning -- after my flight was delayed by an hour and then I sat in the plane taxiing on the runway for TWO whole hours. Got to watch almost an entire in-flight movie before we even took off!

After sleeping nice and late and then having lunch with my daughter, I'm almost ready to open the crates to see how our little puppet pals fared on their truck ride home. I can hear Rumsfeld and Cheney grousing, and frankly I'm just not quite ready to deal with their complaints yet. I think I need a little more sleep.

Not too much, though. I've got to hold a puppet first aid clinic this weekend and get them ready for their trip to Dallas on Friday. It's almost showtime again, holy moly! Yup, these little guys are becoming seasoned travelers. Check out Puppet Government at the Dallas HUB Theater Friday-Sunday, September 8-10. It was listed in today's Fort Worth Star Telegram, so the word is out, yee ha! See you there?

This is how rumors get started.

2006-08-29T19:14:00.001-07:00

In what may become THE sex scandal of the current administration, Condoleezza Rice was spotted yesterday in the arms of an unidentified man. He does not appear to be in the Secret Service. A personal "body guard" perhaps? Condi, we didn't know you had it in you! And why aren't you on the UPS truck with the other puppets?

Mostly photos

2006-08-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

Day eleven. Today I'm going to give you photos. These were taken yesterday, our last day at Player's Loft. Since we were the last show of the festival in that particular venue, we helped the festival folks with load out. So here's the construction of our set, some new friends, and the deconstruction of the theater.

1. All hands on deck to set up the set. From left to right that's Joe Bowen, Jeff Swearingen, Ben Johnston, Paula Gilbert and Steve Barney. Those tubs in front contain the puppets.

2. Puppets finding their places.

3. Ready ... set...

4. Showtime!

5-7. Two new pals and one old one. Left to right -- Anna Halkiatis (light board operator); Maria Johnston (venue director); former Austinite Geoff Brown (sound board operator).

8. Load out. Small Appliance Puppet Theater helped FringeNYC clear the theater. Many hands make labor light.

9. All done and waiting for the truck.

The puppets and the puppeteers are on their way back to Texas. Rumsfeld finds this whole notion of ground transporation tremendously insulting, of course, and has been grousing about it ever since getting packed back into his tub for the long truck ride home. This was not lost on the puppeteers who are enjoying the extra leg room, TVs and satellite radio available on Jet Blue.

I'm staying a few days longer to unwind a little, think about things, catch up on my sleep, take a zillion photographs, hang out with my new pal Maria and my other new pal Nancy, maybe finally have a chance to get caught up with Geoff. I've got an interview with Newyorkcool.com tentatively scheduled later in the week which should be fun, assuming it actually happens.

Then it's back to Austin and preparation for the 2nd weekend in September when Puppet Gov does Dallas!

Final show. Time to take a load off!

2006-08-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

Day ten. The festival ended today with one final sold out performance from Small Appliance Puppet Theater. We stuck around to help load out all the equipment then headed to various parts of NYC with suitcases, tubs of puppets, and cartons of set pieces.

President and Mrs. Bush were glad to finally be able to kick their shoes off and have a few minutes to unwind before packing for tomorrow's trip back to Texas.

"We've had a great time here in the Big Apple," Laura quipped. "The FringeNYC folks have been incredibly hospitable! We've had some wonderful food, seen a few of the sights, attended some of the other performances, met some wonderful people in other shows. This has been such a treat for us."

"Wow! New York is really big!" said the president.

Scotty and Tony and the thief in the night

2006-08-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

Day nine. We caught up with Tony Snow and Scott McClellan sitting out on the front stoop of their hosts' home in Brooklyn, guzzling a bottle of wine and trading war stories about working as Press Secretary for President Bush. Putting a positive spin on the bizarre words that come tumbling out of the president's mouth is a full time job that requires tremendous powers of concentration and creativity. It's no wonder that the President is on his third Press Secretary.

Below are some actual quotes from the prez (in bold) followed by the Press Secretary's interpretation (in italics), as recalled by the two men on the stoop.

But

Iraq

has—have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future.
What the president meant to say is that reconstruction of the Iraqi prison system is complete.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
Er, uh, you will find a summary of the budget in your press packet. Next question, please.

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
And the president is actually reading a book without pictures this summer. Big boy!

For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.
Could somebody just shoot ME please and get it over with?

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
Uh, I don't think I need to elaborate.

By the time Mr. Fox and Mr. McClellan had reached the bottom of the bottle of wine, the former rivals were best of friends, enjoying the kind of intimacy that combat troops find in the trenches.

"Hey Scotty," we heard Tony say, "do you have Ari Fleischer's phone number? We should, like, totally give him a call, dude, and see if he wants to come over. I'll bet he's got some great stories. And tell him to pick up another bottle on his way over."

"Dude!" Scotty replied. "Let's do it! And we should totally get him to tell us about the time W said that thing about how hard it was to put food on your family."

"Oh god," Mr. Snow said, laughing so hard that he tumbled down two or three steps. "I'd forgotten that one! That was, like, totally one of my all time favorites. Yeah, we gotta call Ari. Do it, dude."

In other news, day nine being extremely busy...

I think I can say we have truly performed theater in New York after tonight's experience. We have earned our stripes, indeed. We are now seasoned professionals.

We got to the theater a few minutes early, only to be told by our venue director that...

Unfortunately, someone had stolen the sound system the night before.

Fortunately, Fringe Central had sent over a boombox for us to use.

Unfortunately, the boombox sucked and was a bitch to operate.

Fortunately, Anna, our light board operator, had run light and sound for the previous show, so she could show Geoff (our sound operator) how to use the new system just as soon as he got there.

Unfortunately, Geoff was late and didn't have a chance to practice.

Fortunately, Geoff rocks and did a great job anyway.

Unfortunately, when we got into the theater, we learned that the thief had also taken our large duffle bag -- to put the sound board in, no doubt, and to implicate us in the crime since the bag was clearly marked SMALL APPLIANCE PUPPET THEATER.

Fortunately, he had taken the painted drop and the poles that make up the frame of our set out of the bag and left them there for us.

Unfortunately, he got away with all the bungee cords that hold the entire set together.

Fortunately, there is a hardware store just around the corner from the theater so I was able to make an emergency visit and get what we needed.

Unfortunately, surprises like the one that met us at the theater can sometimes be a distraction to the cast and throw them off their game.

Fortunately, Small Appliance Puppet Theater chose to let the incident bring greater focus to the performance, and they rocked the house!

Working hard

2006-08-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

Day eight. It is said that 'all work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy'. The reverse is just as important -- one must insert some work into the playscape as well, and our President knows this. He called a cabinet meeting today with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. They shared notes about last night's performance, did some vocal exercises, and ran a speed-through of their lines. In his opening remarks the president said, "I know tonight's show is an important one, so I want to be focused. Get grounded. Center my-- hey! Are there any more bagels? Gimme one with raisins. And a diet Coke."

Meanwhile, his cabinet members carried on without him, practicing their song The Plan.

A plan! A plan! A figurehead man
Who never went to fight in a foreign land.
A plan for a man with no attention span...

The hard work paid off, as the appliances nailed their performances in front of another sold out house tonight.

Pre-show preparation

2006-08-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

Day seven. Every night we have exactly 15 minutes to put the puppet stage together before the show and 15 minutes to take it down after the show. The cast has become a highly trained pit crew, similar to the guys at the Indianapolis 500. Each person knows his/her tasks and they get it done quickly and efficiently.

The puppets, too, know where they're supposed to be. As you can see from this photo, several of them have already taken their places in eager anticipation of the show. Pictured (top shelf left to right) is George Deutsch, Scott McClellan, President Bush and the Bullhorn; (bottom shelf left to right) Tony Snow, Kermit, Condoleezza. See if you can spot other essential props that every administration needs: a disco ball, a birthday cake, a can o' war, a price tag. The human in the blue shirt and holding the roll of tape is Ben Johnston, one of the set designers and a puppeteer.

The set consists of four shelving units like the ones pictured here, topped with a faux kitchen countertop and a cloth drop hanging in front of it, painted by our pal Chachalet to look like kitchen cabinets and drawers. All that black stuff at the top of the photo is the cloth curtain that separates the puppeteers from the action on the countertop. Pretty cool, huh?

This photo was made today just before our 4th show of the FringeNYC festival. Three more to go and then we pack everybody up and send them back to Texas. Then the second weekend in September, we load 'em up again for a three day run at the Dallas Hub Theater. Who knows what's next?

They like us!

2006-08-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

Day six. Hey, check out our review on nytheatre.com. It's been a long, long day, and we're all tired, tired, tired. Almost midnight and just home from performing and then seeing another show. But I wanted to post the review, yee haw!!!! More manana.

A day off

2006-08-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

Day five. Wow, the second show kicked some serious ass last night! We had another full house, and the place was rocking with laughter, which is exactly what we wanted. We didn't get any reviews from the first show, but with several more press people there last night maybe maybe maybe this one will yield something.

Today is a day off and we're doing the tourist thing. Condi started the day with a nice run in Prospect Park and then told (didn't ask -- flat out commanded) me to take a "typical tourist photo" of her at the statue of Marquis de Lafayette. (She keeps telling us she wants us to think of her as "just plain old Condi" but the truth is, she's the biggest snob in the cast. Don't tell her I said that. She may be pretty, but she's cruel!)

Some of the other puppets have elected to spend the day getting caught up on their sleep after carousing way too late last night. We won't mention any names, but the ringleader's name starts with DUBYA. And I won't go any further, but I did want to mention that Pat Robertson's halo seems to have come off some time during the night.

While the puppets are snoozing, the puppeteers will be attending Broadway shows, visiting museums, doing laundry and attending other FringeNYC performances.

The icon up the street

2006-08-21T05:53:00.000-07:00

Day four. While out running errands this morning, Ben and I encountered an apartment fire. FDNY trucks were everywhere -- ladders, pumps, probably half a dozen or more, all on a narrow one-way street. Cars headed down the street had to back out into a busy intersection to get out of the way, but the police were on the spot to direct traffic and prevent accidents. The noise was deafening, and we speculated about what the city must have sounded like on 9/11 with those screaming sirens coming from every direction. We were both a little surprised at how strong our emotional response was when we saw those men in the familiar FDNY suits and hats running down the sidewalk with all their gear, ready to do whatever job lay ahead or them. And what an icon the FDNY firetruck has become! Every time I see one (and our house is just a few doors down the street from a firehouse), I am reminded of one of our country's darkest days and the selfless heroism of those brave firefighters who were there to serve.

Five years after the event, we are still deeply moved by the events of that day. Life goes on and people keep living; but the sense of loss is still there and not as far beneath the surface as we tell ourselves.

As for the rest of our day, well, we've got a show tonight at 9 and then a day off tomorrow, which will be nice. I hope to catch some other shows from the Fringe -- something I haven't had time to do yet. But we're starting to get into a groove here, so a little bit of free time should be opening up for us over the next few days. Tomorrow we hope to see a show about an old man who thinks he's turning into the Olsen twins. Anything goes at FringeNYC!

Opening night!!!!

2006-08-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

Day three. Opening night in New York! Holy moly! We did it! Had a full house, a couple of reviewers (we'll see what they have to say tomorrow), some family and friends and even an audience member who was there simply because he loves puppets so much.

Those butterflies in my stomach had grown to prehistoric proportions (with about 9 foot wingspans) by the time the house opened and it was all I could do to greet our audience and hand them their programs. I was a flipping WRECK. The work had been done, the rehearsals were over, the preview was history and now we were in New bleeping York! Could I trust my actors and their puppet pals to do it right? ABSOLUTELY! They ROCKED!!!!!!! I really don't think we could have asked for a better opening night. It was a great place to start, and I expect that each performance will get progressively tighter and better.

After the show, President and Mrs. Bush were seen having a quiet celebratory dinner at East Cuisine in Brooklyn. Cheney and Rumsfeld stayed in the Village where they could enjoy the night life with their cronies Julie Myers, George Deutsch, Phillip Cooney and Claude Allen. Condi went back to her hotel where she visited the spa, then she practiced the piano for an hour before turning in for an early bedtime.

The puppets and their human friends are looking forward to another great show tomorrow night and participating in the filming of the documentary commemorating the 10th anniversary of the International Fringe Festival.

Damage assessment

2006-08-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

Day two. The puppets are all present and accounted for. Damage during the shipping process was remarkably minimal.

As was to be expected, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld complained the loudest. "What's this ground transportation bullshit?," he screamed as he emerged from his packing crate. "I'm accustomed to first class all the way. And that truck stop food gave me gas. Bad. Just look how bloated I am. Oh Jeez, I'm gonna die!"

Vice President Dick Cheney suffered a similar complaint, saying he had a severe case of heartburn. Upon closer examination, it was clear that his condition could be considered far more serious -- his pacemaker battery had fallen off completely. However, the loss was not as catastrophic as it could have been had he actually had a heart.

Oil lobbyist Phillip Cooney suffered the worst of any of the puppets. Apparently he got into a barroom brawl the night they stopped in Memphis and came away with a broken nose and a missing eye. Fortunately, he received immediate attention from a plastic surgeon with a glue gun, and he's feeling good as new now and looking almost as handsome.

A few other booboos were noted, but it is not known whether these were travel related or whether they were result of ordinary occupational hazards. Both Tony Snow and Scotty McClellan (current and former Press Secretaries, respectively) lost an arm, but then they sustain injuries every single time they go to bat for the President, so it's difficult to say how these injuries originated. The president's father, George H.W. Bush also lost an arm, but this may have been an age-related accident and not attributable to travel.

All in all, the puppets traveled as well as or better than we'd hoped. They have been out stretching their legs today, running their lines and getting ready for opening night tomorrow.

We're Heeeeeeeeeere!

2006-08-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

Day one. After staying up waaaaaaaaaaaaay too late and then getting up waaaaaaaaaaaaay too early, we managed to get through a day of surprisingly easy travel. Jet Blue expressed a little curiosity about all the shelves and hardware we were shipping, but not enough to slow us down.

Upon arriving at JFK airport, we called to hire a van to take the three of us and our nine bags to our host's home in Brooklyn. Imagine our surprise when a car -- not a van -- pulls up and this energtic Chinese man hops out and opens the trunk. Our first thought was, "there is no way in hell all that stuff is going to fit into one little car." Being from Texas, we take space for granted and are rarely required to be resourceful about it. But this guy was amazing! He got all our stuff AND US into the car. We cheered loudly and gave him a huge round of applause (and a nice tip).

Once settled into our new home away from home, it was time to eat. mmmmmm. Good food. And the weather? PERFECT. Warm enough to still remind you that it's summer, but about 20 degrees cooler than what we've been experiencing back home. I spent much of the day out walking, taking care of errands, and I loved it!

Jeff arrived around 6, so he and I decided to hop on the subway and get ourselves down to Fringe Central where we could get checked in. Abd what 's the first thing Jeff does? He gets us both crossways with the law!!!!!!! A simple misunderstanding, I assure you -- we just didn't know they were watching, that's all. We had each bought a 7-day unlimited use metro pass. I swiped mine, but I went through the wrong space in the turnstile, and it locked me out. So I swiped it again, but the computer thought I was cheating by using it twice in quick succession at the same gate. Maybe I was handing it off to a friend. So what did Jeff do? He planted me sqarely in the turnstile, swiped his card, jumped in with me and voila! We were in. Right in front of two Transit Authority cops. Ooops. We played the out-of-towner card and they let us go with a scolding.

The folks at Fringe Central, on the other hand, were extremely warm and welcoming. They seem genuinely excited about our show and are looking forward to seeing it for themselves. We learned that our first three performances are completely sold out already, so that was encouraging. The William Morris guy wants to see it on Friday night, and a documentary film crew will be shooting us on Monday. Is this exciting or what?!?!?!?

Ben and Steve have gone over to Manhattan tonight to pick up the puppets; Joe and Paula arrive tomorrow. Then we'll have everybody here and can get about the very serious business of kick-ass comedy. Tech rehearsal Sunday morning and then at 5 o'clock Sunday afternoon, we're ON!

What now?

2006-08-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

In fewer than 24 hours, Small Appliance Puppet Theater folk Chris, Ben and Steve, will be aboard a plane for New York. Jeff will join us there tomorrow afternoon and Joe and Paula will arrive on Saturday. I'm at the point where I'm faced with: WHAT DO I DO NOW?!?!?!?!? The puppets should arrive today, the set is packed up and ready to go. Local rehearsals are over. But the list is still seemingly endless -- the personal packing, arranging for kitty care while we're gone, paying bills before we leave town,
taking care of all the last minute things I know I've forgotten. This is the part that's not much fun, which I think reads pretty clearly in the photo of me on the right.

The clock is ticking and Oh! My! God! Why am I sitting here at the computer trying to write a freaking blog??!?!?!?!?

Puppet Government called a "bizarre left-wing performance" by someone who hasn't seen show!

2006-08-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

Ooh, looks like Puppet Government might be hitting a nerve.

"Republicans might consider sponsoring additional performances in middle America and swing congressional districts," said an unimpressed Ray Sullivan, a GOP consultant and former Bush spokesman. "The bizarre left-wing performances can only help us win over concerned mainstream voters." That's what it says in today's Austin American Statesman article about Puppet Government. The quote, of course, is from an expert who has not actually seen the play; but hey, if a former Bush spokesperson says it, then it must be true, right?

The Statesman article got some things right and did the usual amount of misquoting (why does that always happen?). Maybe in an effort to be fair to the other side, they interviewed this Ray Sullivan person. But why didn't they contact someone who had actually seen the play?

This is rich, folks. And it's exactly the point we try to make in the show. The current administration doesn't care. They are 'unimpressed' with anyone who disagrees with them. Thank you, American Statesman, for helping us make our point.

Music for your ears

2006-08-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

Puppet Government is so much more than just a political satire. It's a veritable song and dance extravaganza! And I just figured out how to put an mp3 file on this blog, so today you're gonna get to hear some music from the show!!! Aren't! You! LUCKY!!!!

I can't give you much because we don't have a cast recording yet, alas. But here's a tiny little instrumental tidbit called the WrongCo Waltz (composed by Chris Humphrey) which we hope will whet your appetite for more.

Thanks to our amazing helpers/friends

2006-08-15T13:21:00.001-07:00

Small Appliance Puppet Theater would like to send a big, public THANK YOU out to the folks who helped us with our preview performance on Sunday. First of all there was the multi-talented, multi-tasking LISA SCHNEIDER who was our house manager. She made the lobby (which looked like a storage facility) into a welcoming and comfortable space, and she took care of all our guests, keeping everybody happy -- no small feat, especially in the merciless heat. Her husband ERIC VORMELKER had no official title, but he was there all day, too, running errands, climbing ladders, ushing -- basically whatever needed doing. CASSIDY CROWN was visiting from Dallas and jumped into the fray with joy and enthusiasm, lending a helping hand wherever one was needed. CINDY ZIMMERMAN provided ALL of our concession stand needs -- from the Condoleezza Rice Krispy Treats to the Coalition Cookies to the big sign that said "Support our Troupes!" Cindy was assisted by JOHN, whose last name I did not get but who worked hard nonetheless. SILAS BRYAN ran sound for us and did a damn fine job, and the light board was operated by former Small Appliance puppeteer DANIEL NORTON whom we all love and adore forever and ever.

It was a wonderful opportunity to get the show on its feet and play it to an audience (two large audiences, actually). Feedback has been positive and constructive, and we continue to sand the rough edges so that we can be at the absolute top of our game when we get to New York. So thank you, Austin, for watching our preview, for laughing at our jokes, and for offering your support. This is a scary thing we're doing, but it feels really good to have the home folks out there cheering us on.

The countdown has begun

2006-08-15T07:08:00.000-07:00

We open in less than a week at the International Fringe Festival in New York! The puppets are on their way, we've got the set almost packed for its flight with us on Friday. A couple of touch-up rehearsals this week without the puppets and then we're gone!

That's an actual, unretouched photo of me on the left, but it could easily be mistaken for any of the cast members of Small Appliance Puppet Theater (well, the humans anyway). The butterflies have landed squarely in our stomachs. We are excited, nervous and eager to get on those airplanes that will take us to the next stage of our adventure.

The puppets don't care. They're psyched and ready. They live for the spotlight and have been grousing for weeks now about "are we there yet?" Almost fellas, almost.

Separation Anxiety

2006-08-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

See that label on the left? That's what's on the outside of the packing crates containing all our little puppet pals. Yup, I took them to the UPS Store today and bought them all tickets to New York. The little guys are on their way and are scheduled to arrive on Thursday.

I confess that I'm feeling some serious separation anxiety about letting them go, and not only the normal kind you feel when you send your kid off to camp for the first time, though I confess I'm feeling that, too. But most of my anxiety is from thinking about who I should have separated from whom in the packing crates.

For instance, should I have put Cheney and Rumsfeld in the same crate? Probably not. God only knows what mischief they'll get into between now and when I see them on Friday. Condi and Laura Bush are riding together with Cindy Sheehan and her supporters. Are they going to get along? And God help the poor puppets who have to listen to Pat Robertson carry on for the next four days on the road. I did make a point of not packing Scott McClellan with Tony Snow. I'm not sure poor little Scotty could take it, being cooped up with the man who took his job. I think I separated W and his dad. I certainly meant to.

It was hard saying good-bye to them, entrusting them to someone who doesn't love the little scoundrels as much as I do. But. With no guarantees that we could smuggle them in our suitcases on the airplane, I just had to do it.

I hope they remember to call me when they get there to let me know they've arrived safely.

Back in the News

2006-08-12T08:19:00.000-07:00

Our radio spot aired, and we were actually listening at the time! The Villager ran a wonderful article and really nailed the spirit of our piece while sort of destroying our playwright's last name (Barney, not Barnes --oops). But that's cool. We love them anyway for writing such a nice piece, which you can read here. We found ourselves on Off-Off Blogway, which seems to be devoted to FringeNYC.

The press has had very nice things to say about our show which, admittedly, they haven't seen yet. I think our favorite comment, though, was found on The Apiary. We're not sure quite how they meant it, but we're taking it as a compliment!

Word has it that ticket sales have been quite good for the New York shows, and our preview performances tomorrow here in Austin are pretty well maxed out. Life is good in Puppet Government Land!

Satire vs. irony

2006-08-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

Radio news reports about a thwarted terrorist attack in Britain thwarted a radio news report about political satire in America. Oh the irony! Our wonderful interview (which you can hear here even if you can't hear it on the news) got bumped due to the situation in Britain. We're promised that it will air today, but we're not holding our breath (though you can bet your buttons we'll be listening).

It's all about balance. As concerned citizens, we're really, really glad that the British authorities were able to prevent something too horrible to think about. As satirists and comedians, though, the humor in this is not lost on us, dark though it may be. Irony definitely wins this round.

And that idea I had about labeling all our luggage with our cute little postcards? Nope. Not gonna do it. Nowhere is our loss of freedom more evident than at airports. We will pack our little puppet friends very, very carefully in hardshell suitcases subtly but clearly labeled with the words Small Appliance Puppet Theater. But no graphics. No hints of sedition, satirical or otherwise.

To date, we still have our first amendment rights; but we need to be very, very careful about how and where we exercise them, which is, no doubt, why KUT decided to hold off on our story.

But I ask you -- which is more dangerous? The liquid in the bottle on the left or the liquid in the pitcher on the right? I don't suppose it matters. Neither one would make it onto an airplane.

We. Are. So. Famous.

2006-08-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

Well, we like to think we are, or that maybe we will be one of these days. The New York Press has run an article about the upcoming International Fringe Festival and, yup, we made it to another "best bets" list, yee haw! And then there's the article in The Village Voice -- scroll down to the section called "Democracy (What's Left of It).

There will be a nice, long, pithy interview appearing on Austinist either this afternoon or tomorrow morning, so be sure to check that out as well. And that radio spot on KUT (90.5FM in Austin)? That will air THIS AFTERNOON during All Things Considered.

A paper plate in the china closet

2006-08-09T06:17:00.000-07:00

photo by Kenneth B. Gall

For someone who did not last very long in the Bush administration, Scott McClellan plays a relatively large role in Small Appliance Puppet Theater's production of Puppet Government. First of all, there's his big press conference scene, (pictured here: that's Scotty on the left with members of the press) and condensed below for your enjoyment:

The Press: Mr. President, if it turns out that an administration official leaked the name of a CIA agent, what action will you take?

Bush: Whoever leaked Valarie Plame’s identity should be fired, sort of.

McClellan: What the president meant to say, is that it would be inappropriate to comment on an ongoing investigation.

The Press: Mr. President, do you feel that God guides your decisions?

Bush: I’m driven with a mission from God. God told me, George, go fight those terrorists in Afghanistan. Go end the tyranny in Iraq.” And I did.

McClellan: To clarify, the president never actually made that statement.

The Press: I just heard him.

McClellan: I’m afraid you’re mistaken. Next question?

And then a little later, Scotty has the biggest, funniest, most poignant soliloquy in the whole show when he tries to explain what the President meant to say. Why does such a small time Bush administration player get such big time exposure?

Well, most presidents fill their cabinets with fine china. Bush apparently prefers to use paper plates -- disposable items that can be tossed out once they have served their purpose. You could say that Scotty is representative of all the paper plates in Bush's kitchen. It's almost tempting to feel sorry for the little twerp who gave his all to the president, though of course the appalling truth remains that he did give his all to the president.

Hope he had something left over to help his mommy run for Governor of Texas!

Turn your radio on

2006-08-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

This morning intrepid puppeteers Jeff Swearingen, Ben Johnston and Steve Barney took some of their favorite puppet pals (Nixon, Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and John Kerry) to the KUT studios to do a short bit about Puppet Government, the little play that's about to shake the world.

You can hear it either tomorrow afternoon (Wednesday, August 9) during All Things Considered or the following morning (Thursday, August 10) during Morning Edition. All on radio station KUT, 90.5 on your FM dial. The story will also be up on KUT's website so if you miss the original airing, you can still catch it.

You'll hear two short scenes from the play and then a most erudite interview with playwright Steve Barney. Thank you, thank you, KUT. We'll remember the favor when the fall fund drive comes along.

No puppets were harmed in the making of this production

2006-08-06T07:29:00.000-07:00

Regardless of how the Bush administration may feel about torture, Small Appliance Puppet Theater would like to make it perfectly clear that NO PUPPETS WERE HARMED during the making of Puppet Government.

For example, in the scene at right Donald Rumsfeld is "re-enacting" the torture of so-called enemy combatants. However, the fruit juicer playing the role of Rumsfeld is in actuality a former professional kickboxer and a highly skilled martial artist who is able to call upon his expertise to do his own stunts with a surprising level of authenticity -- all very safely.

The only injury is the death and dismemberment that happens to the soldiers who actually go off to fight this dirty little war and the suspects who have been arrested and tortured without due process. But the audience can rest assured that not one single Bush administration official suffers a scratch in our production of Puppet Government.

Special Guest Appearances

2006-08-06T07:05:00.000-07:00

Small Appliance Puppet Theater is pleased to announce that two very special stars will be making guest appearances in Puppet Government. We were able to catch Koolaid (tm) and Kermit the Frog (tm) taking a break during one of the rehearsals for their upcoming New York Fringe Festival show. They very graciously agreed to chat with us and pose for a photo.

"I think I can speak for Kermit as well as myself," Koolaid said, "that we want and need to do anything we can to speak the truth about this administration. This seemed like the perfect opportunity."

"It's not unusual for celebrities to speak up about their political beliefs, and because they are high profile individuals with easy access to the media, they are often heard," Kermit continued. "But the truth is, the little guys like us -- and I'm talking physical stature here, not name or face recognition -- little guys like us rarely get an opportunity to make a statement."

It is rumored that in this production Kermit gets roughed up a little by Vice President Dick Cheney. When asked about this, he said, "It's all part of the business. I'm sure that if I met Dick Cheney in real life, I might actually be afraid. But the food processor that's playing Cheney in this show is just a big old sweetheart, and we've worked out our blocking so that I haven't had so much as a bruise."

When asked if they would be assuming character parts in this production, they both replied that they would be playing themselves in strictly cameo roles.

"No, no," said Koolaid, "we don't want to draw attention away from the Small Appliance cast. We're just here to do what we can to add a little credibility to their story, that's all."

"It was an honor to be asked," they both agreed.

They then politely excused themselves as they heard the director call, "Places everybody."

No Blood for Oil!

2006-08-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of Small Appliance Puppet Theater

"Save your breath, protestors, the President has already decided what he's going to do." That's the official government stance for individuals (like the ones in the group pictured here) who choose to exercise their first amendment rights by protesting the war in Iraq. However, if Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld (pictured far right) were to have his way, all protestors would be arrested for treason. And if Vice President Cheney's wishes came true, they would be shot. Or at least tortured. Or maybe both. By him personally.

In the meantime, wooden spoons continue to gather at the Crawford ranch and the White House, demanding to know why their children are being sent to Iraq, chanting "NO BLOOD FOR OIL! NO BLOOD FOR OIL!"

Cheney explained it this way: "What the mothers don't get is their sons and daughters are dying because the

has to protect the flow of oil."

"If we weren't in Baghdad, who'd be getting their paws on Iraqi oil?" Rumsfeld asked, rhetorically.

Cheney, who doesn't understand the concept of rhetorical questions answered, "China, Russia France, that's who."

"Exactly!" Rumsfeld responded. "What the mothers don't get is, we're killing for their oil."

Then as the chanting outside grew louder, he shouted, "Somebody close the window!" leaving the protestors unheard. Again.

Don't hurt me, Mr. President!

2006-08-04T07:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we spoke with the real live actual WrongCo Salesman about his first encounter with President George W. Bush. Today we are pleased to have a guest writer -- Joe Bowen, who just happens to be playing the role of the WrongCo in Small Appliance Puppet Theater's upcoming performance of the soon-to-be smash hit Puppet Government. Here's Joe's story about his encounter with the very same person. Coincidence or odd little quirk of fate? You be the judge. Take it away, Joe...

I was working for a small computer company here in Austin. One of the owners was a major republican supporter. There was a fundraising "thing" here in town, and he bought a table. In these types of events, the buyers get a special meeting with the candidates before the general speeches. Everybody denies this is buying access, but that's another story.

The guy couldn't go. So he gave the tickets to another in the office. Not me. You see, I'm a democrat -- yellow dog type. But the person that he gave the table to knew I was a political person. Actually, he was running for office -- but that's another story also. And, he had seats to fill, so offered two of them to me, if I wouldn't cause trouble.

And so we went to "victory 2000". (This was 1998) And, being true to my promise (to not cause trouble), we sat in the back and ate the republican shrimp. They were pink, just like democratic shrimp. Of course, the way these events work, the candidates meet the contributors in a back room, and when the face time is done, the candidates burst into the room with the cameras running, bustle up to the nearest table, and enthusiastically grab and greet whomever is there -- a great photo op.

Door opens, and out bursts George W, Phil Gramm, and Kay Bailey, all of who storm to the nearest table -- in the back. Us. Our mouths full of republican pinko shrimp, we stand; "hi Governor, Senator, Senator." I shake hands.

The then-Governor was hyped - pumped - energized. He had that Texas charm on overload and shook my hand, arm, shoulder, and upper body. Best massage I'd had in a year. However, the non-union glue used to hold on nametags failed the task, and my tag fluttered to the ground, where static caused it to adhere to the side of the Governor's Texas boot. As he worked his way around the table, I noticed, and it looked like toilet paper from the bathroom.

I thought. This would be embarrassing to the Governor. I promised to be good. I take his shoulder and say "excuse me Governor, but my name tag is stuck to your boot, and it looks really silly". He says something like "it sure is", plucks it off his boot, and...did I say he was pumped? He puts it in the palm of his hand and puts it back on my coat. *POW* He doesn't pat or press it on; he slugs it on. I see it coming from 3 feet away. He wound up like a major league pitcher. Like a jet coming in for a landing, it hits me.

Upside down.

He may not read the morning paper, but he read that. So he says something like "Oops, upside down", plucks it off again, I get ready, and *POW*. He was just getting warmed up the first time.

And so we passed pleasantries. They gave speeches, and it was the first time I heard "leave no child behind", for which I applauded. It is a good slogan, and I hoped he'd work within his party to raise the bar of education for all children, rather than neglect and disdain the public school system that has taken us so far, and continues to do so much. His wife was a teacher, once. He talked tax cuts, for which the room applauded more. I didn't. We need leadership, not populism.

He's President now. I wonder if I could have stopped it. The name tag could have turned into a scandal; one never knows.

Would you buy an appliance from this man?

2006-08-02T09:25:00.000-07:00

People in high places need individuals they can turn to for advice and support. Nancy Reagan had her astrologer, Jimmy Carter had Billy Graham. President George W. Bush has the WrongCo Salesman.

Small Appliance Puppet Theater was able to get an exclusive interview with the former shyster, er, carny, er, carnival entrepreneur this week.

SAPT: So how exactly did you meet President Bush?

AW: Well, he wasn't president then, you understand. This was when he was just a twenty year old pup back in Midland. The carnival I was with had made a stop there. I remember being totally impressed with this guy -- he singlehandedly gave us the largest grossing beer sales record in the history of the carnival. I don't believe that record has been beaten yet. He also dropped a bundle at the shooting gallery where I was working that night. Dubya was a terrible shot, but he just wouldn't admit it. That's something I admire about the man. He makes up his mind and he sticks with it, right or wrong.

SAPT: Well, isn't it usually wrong?

AW: Doesn't matter. What matters is that he stays the course. He never wavers. But, back to that night... I got to feeling kinda sorry for him because he was doing so badly at the shooting gallery, so I gave him a little consolation prize. I think it was an eraser or something. Well, that just encouraged him. Of course, the more he drank, the worse his shooting got. Every time he looked like he was about to give it up, I'd give him a little something. A keychain, a pair of fake glasses with the nose and moustache attached. Cheap crap. That kept him happy. Finally at the end of the evening I gave him a little plastic trophy. After taking home that trophy, he came back every single night till we left town. He always found me, no matter where I was working -- Ferris wheel, freak show, carousel -- he'd find me.

SAPT: How did the two of you maintain a relationship after the carnival moved on?

AW: We didn't. That's the nature of the business. To tell you the truth, he never crossed my mind again. But when I got ready to retire from the road and settle down, Austin seemed like a good place, so that's where I landed. Got my business up and running, was doing alright, not great. Then one day I get a call from the Texas Governor's mansion. They needed a new dishwasher so I fixed 'em up real nice. Hell, I had never been to the Governor's mansion, so I delivered it and installed it myself just to have a look around. Those state contracts can be pretty sweet, and this was an opportunity too good to miss. And who do you think I ran into!

SAPT: Did he remember you?

AW: Hell yeah! I spent the whole damn day with him. And I have been meeting his appliance needs ever since. Those voting machines they used in Ohio? I got him those. Got him both of his Secretaries of State -- the Colin Powell dustbuster and the Condaleezza Rice cooker. I supplied all three of his press secretaries.

SAPT: Is there a particular sale that sticks out as perhaps the most significant or memorable?

AW: Man, when I sold him that War in Iraq, I felt like I had just flown to the moon. You know that rush of adrenaline you get when you know you've done something better than you ever thought you were capable of? That's how I felt when I sold him that one. That was the sale of a lifetime!

SAPT: No offense intended, Mr. Wrong, but are you familiar with the phrase, "there's a sucker born every minute?"

AW: Yup. And "a fool and his money are soon parted." Just between you and me... I think I found him. I am the ROCK STAR of appliance sales!!!!!!!! I am an appliance sales GOD! YES!

SAPT: Thank you so much for speaking with us, Mr. Wrong. Is there anything else you'd like to add before we close?

AW: Why yes, thank you. (ahem)...Do the slipping polls reveal that you've lost your nation's trust? Is it harder to deny that global warming's caused by us? Is Intelligent Design threatened by science? Buy an appliance!

SAPT: Great. That's all the time we have for now.

AW: Just one more thing, real quick? Can I leave this photo with you? It was taken by my pal Kenneth Gall. Gave him a great deal on his camera and told him I'd give him a plug whenever I could. And please tell your readers to give me a call if they need absolutely anything in the appliance line. That's 1-666-WRONGCO.

But Daddy, I'M the Decider!

2006-07-31T14:40:00.000-07:00

Photo by Kenneth B. Gall.
President George W. Bush (center) met in a secret, closed-door session yesterday with his father (left) and the ghost of Richard Nixon. What the President did not notice was that Homeland Security had, in a domestic spying frenzy, placed live mics and cameras all around the room. In plain sight.

"What's up, Dad?" the President was heard to say, "You here to visit your second term presidential son?"

He then greeted his ghostly visitor with, "Hey, Tricky Dick! How's it hangin'?"

The two former presidents urged young W to change his evil ways before he completely destroyed the environment, the economy and America's credibility anywhere in the world. Former President Bush pled with his son to replace Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld with someone who could undo the damage he has done in Iraq. Nixon warned the current president that history would hold him accountable for his contempt of Congress, his obstruction of justice, his disregard for the Constitution and his abuse of power.

The admonitions fell on deaf ears, apparently, as President Bush responded with, "Daddy? Dick? I hear the voices! I know the speculation -- three syllables -- pretty good, huh? But guess what. I'm the decider! Now gimme some music!"

At this point, the President stripped down to his underwear and danced around the Oval Office singing some nonsense about being the man of the White House and not taking shit from his wife.

The two elder statesmen quietly let themselves out while the president continued his song and dance number which can be heard in its entirety in the upcoming FringeNYC performance of Puppet Government.

You too can get a Power Job in the Bush Administration

2006-07-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

It's good to be a crony! Just ask these folks, pictured from left to right: George Deutsch, Michael Brown, Julie Myers, and Claude Allen. (photo by Kenneth B. Gall)

Are you incompetent? Do you have a resume that is nothing but baloney? Do you have absolutely no scientific training? Experience with Arabian horse shows?

Have you always wanted to be a Secretary of Something? A top administration official? A White House source?

Then George W. Bush has just the job for you! Our Appliance-in-Chief is currently seeking highly unqualified staff in many high profile positions! No experience necessary! What's important is your loyalty to the Republican party! Your connections! Your conservative values!

Just ask Julie Myers. At 36, she is head of the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, and all she had to do was marry Michael Chertoff's chief of staff! Easy!

George Deutsch didn't even have to finish college to "earn" his position as a press officer for NASA. All he had to do was work on Bush's election campaign!

See how easy it can be? Apply today for the job of your dreams!

The fine print:
Bad news: Turn-over in these jobs is, admittedly, fairly high.
Good news: That increases your chances of getting a job!

The people behind the puppets

2006-07-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

As director of Puppet Government, the little puppet show/political satire/musical/mini-spectacle, I see nothing but the little guys out in front of the black curtain. "Um, Mr. President," I say, "don't turn your back to the audience. No one wants to see your cord." Or, "No, Ms. Rice, you do NOT look like a crock pot." Or perhaps, "Stop it, Dick, you're going to knock Rummy's arm off again. Now behave." And then Rumsfeld will let out a fart and Dick will wet himself laughing.

Sometimes I forget that these little appliances all have human friends behind them. Literally. So I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce them, starting with the back row of the cast photo (by the amazing Kenneth Gall) and moving from left to right.

That's Joe Bowen in the stunning yellow shirt and necktie. He's our WrongCo Salesman. It's his job to sell the president new and improved appliances every time the prez has a problem, and he's darn good at it. He is seen here holding the amazing 12-n-1 War in Iraq. Joe also doubles as a puppeteer, wrangling Pat Robertson, who tends to levitate, and George Deutsch, who doesn't.

Next to Joe we have Jeff Swearingen, a native of Dallas who has joined us in Austin this summer so he can do the show with us. Jeff's main charge is Donald Rumsfeld, and that's who he's holding in the photo doing his fart face. Donald, Donald, Donald! We can't take you anywhere! Jeff also plays Scotty McClellan, Tony Snow, Julie Meyers, George W.H. Bush and the ghost of Richard Nixon.

Ben Johnston is Jeff's partner-in-crime. His Dick Cheney (pictured with Ben) is always misbehaving with Rumsfeld. I swear, I'm going to have to separate those two! Ben also plays Phillip Cooney, Colin Powell, Michael Brown, and a member of the Press Corps. Ben is our set designer when he's not singing, dancing and behaving badly; and he contributed the show-stopping "It's Not Easy Being Mean," Dick Cheney's solo.

Moving down to front left, we see Paula Ruth Gilbert. Paula plays Laura and Jenna Bush (that's Laura in the photo), Condaleezza Rice, Cindy Sheehan, and a member of the Press Corps. Interestingly, her press job puts her behind the curtain some of the time and out front, live and in person at other times.

That's me in the middle. Chris Humphrey. I'm the director, choreographer, music composer/arranger, puppet designer. I'm the one who has to make these bad appliances behave! (Don't tell them, but I've actually become very attached to every single one of them, the little scamps!)

Next to me is the brilliant Steve Barney, the man who came up with the idea and then made it happen. Steve has written the script and the lyrics to most of the songs. He plays George W. Bush, John Kerry and Claude Allen. Steve is not only a gifted writer and actor, but he is also a gracious man who allows these appliances plenty of room to interpret his script in their own pecular, and often hilarious way. I expect that sometimes Steve doesn't even recognize his words after they've been through the puppets' interpretive mill.

Every single one of these actors is a multi-tasking, multi-character playing wonder! Think about it. That's an average of 4.4 characters per person in a fast paced, song-and-dance extravaganza done with a black curtain between eyes and hands!

Most of the time the puppets play well together. The humans play well together all of the time.

"Puppet Government" a BEST BET for FringeNYC!

2006-07-30T09:32:00.000-07:00

This morning's edititon of amNew York features a nice long article about FringeNYC. We at Small Appliance Puppet Theater are jumping up and down in unabashed joy and excitement because Puppet Government was cited by the Fringe organizers as one of the BEST BETS!!! Chosen from 900 potential original entries from 21 states and 12 countries, from which 216 were eventually chosen, PuppetGov is now listed as one of the top favorites.

We are stoked! We are primed!

Two more weeks of rehearsal, then we do our preview show in Austin, and then...and Then...and THEN...

Oh, and by the way... We're sure you all have been wondering about Condi and her uvula. Well, we're pleased to announce that she finally got her uvula implant yesterday (see blog entry for July 9) and it's working great. A simple day-surgery procedure, Ms. Rice took a couple of ibuprophen last night and woke up feeling great this morning. She was especially excited to see her name in amNewYork in connection to the show.

Sheehan: It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood; Bush: How did you get past security?

2006-07-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

Cindy Sheehan, right, confronts the President in the upcoming performance of Puppet Government.

When told yesterday that Iraq war protester Cindy Sheehan was buying five acres near the Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas, the President's first response was to scream, "How did she get past security?!?!?!?!??!"

Ms. Sheehan, who had indeed made a personal appearance, burst into song:

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor...
Could you be mine?
Would you be mind?

"There go the property values," Mr. Bush was heard to say under his breath.

Ms. Sheehan then asked, "Mr. President, why did Casey die?" Mr. Bush seemed particularly flummoxed as he had just been trying to remember why we are in Iraq and was failing to come up with any good reasons. Karl Rove, his usual go-to man in times like this, was on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney and so was unable to guide the President.

Laura Bush personally served up some lovely egg salad sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and she and Cindy enjoyed some "girl talk" while the President tried to come up with a compelling answer to Ms. Sheehan's question. Though he was ultimately unable to do so (again), Ms. Sheehan still felt the vist was somewhat productive. Laura had given her the egg salad recipe and had promised to drop in for a little housewarming visit when Cindy gets settled in Crawford. And, most importantly, Cindy had reminded the President that she is not going away.

Tickets on Sale Now!!! Twelve Shows; Three Cities

2006-07-28T07:13:00.000-07:00

WOO HOO! As of midnight last night, FringeNYC tickets are officially on sale. That means that you can go online to buy tickets for Puppet Government, and, of course, any of the other shows you want to see.

All shows are listed at www.fringenyc.org. As of this morning, the ticket links were supposed to be hot, but they weren't (bad Fringe, bad!), but you can definitely get tix at www.ticketweb.com. These phone numbers will work, too: inside New York: 212-279-4488; outside New York: 1-888-FringeNYC.

Word to the wise: we are in a rather small venue (puppets get lost in large concert halls), so buy your tickets early to guarantee a seat! Just to make life easier for you, I'm going to post our schedule again so that you can click on Ticketweb and be done with it.

VENUE #13: Players Loft, 115 MacDougal; SUN 8/20 @ 5pm; MON 8/21 @ 9pm; WED 8/23 @ 7pm; THUR 8/24 @ 5:15pm; FRI 9/25 @ 8:45pm; SAT 8/26 @ 6:30pm; SUN 8/27 @ 2pm

I do want to encourage you to check out the FringeNYC site and see what other shows you might want to catch as long as you're in the neigborhood. With 200 to choose from, and at a very affordable price (plus attractive package deals), you definitely want to spend some time shopping for shows.

Can't go to New York to see Puppet Government? Not to worry. We'll be doing a preview/fundraiser in Austin, Texas at the Blue Theater, 916 Springdale on Sunday, August 13. One night only, two shows: 5 and 7:30 pm. Make your reservations now by e-mailing info@chrishumphrey.org or by calling 512.923.2277.

Then after we get back from the Big Apple, we'll be doing three shows at Dallas Hub Theater, 2809 Canton in Big D's historic Deep Ellum district, Friday-Sunday, September 8-10. Tickets can be reserved in advanced by calling 214-749-7010 or E-mail tickets@shane-arts.com. Please include your 1.) Name 2.) Phone number (preferably mobile) 3.) # of tickets (and any discounts) 4.) Date, Time and Show.

So. Thanks for reading through all that informational blather. Now back to our political content (with a tip of the hat to our pal Kathryn Anderson who sent us this little funny):

George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it.

Curious, George asks the girl, "What's in the basket? She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.

"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"

The little girl says, "Republicans."

Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this, Karl, it's really cute."

As they approach the little girl, he greets her and says, "How are the kittens doing?", and she says, "Fine."

Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"

She replies, "Democrats."

Abashed, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"

"I know," she says, "But now their eyes are open. . ."

See you in New York!!!

Remember Me?

2006-07-27T11:16:00.000-07:00

In an exclusive interview with Small Appliance Puppet Theater director Chris Humphrey, the War in Iraq expressed frustration and disappointment over the way it is being treated.

"I am the centerpiece of this show," the camo draped blender commented, "the whole reason-duh-ettra for doing it in the first place. I don't wanna sound bitter, but last weekend? All the other original cast members got first class treatment: Rumsfeld got new arms, Cheney got a perm. Condi got the whole treatment -- a facial, a new hairdo, the works. The new cast members were treated like bleepin' royalty, man -- even the bit players. It was like they was at the spa or somethin', y'know? And what did I get? New dog tags. That's it. No touch up on my paint, no new rubber feet. Just bleepin' dog tags. And you know why I got new dog tags? 'Cuz I been working, man, I been fighting this war, puttin' my ass on the line, and my old dog tags were shot to hell. I'm on my second tour of duty with this show, man, and I don't get nothin'. No respect, no e-mail in the comments section, nothin' man. I am the proverbial unknown soldier. Me and every other grunt over here in Iraq layin' down our lives so Condi-ass Rice can get a face lift. That ain't right, man. I'm just sayin'."

WrongCo for all your appliance needs

2006-07-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

WrongCo Appliance is pleased to offer its fall catalog which features a large selection of close-out items with drastically reduced prices, some perennial favorites, and some new and exciting appliances that you're sure to love. Please take a few minutes to browse through our amazing line of products, then contact us for pricing and availability. The WrongCo Appliance Salesman is standing by to take your call!

Adolf Wrong, founder of WrongCo, pictured demonstrating the Amazing 12-in-1 War in Iraq to satisfied customers President George W. Bush, Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice, and Vice President Dick Cheney.

At WrongCo, we treat you Right!

EVERY HOME SHOULD HAVE ONE! The Wrongco™ Bullhorn amplifies, galvanizes, and brings America together in tough times! This is the very model that President Bush used when he addressed New Yorkers after 9/11. This product speaks for itself!

DISCONTINUED. The Colin Powell Dustbuster is a handy dandy gadget for cleaning up those Oval Office messes. Whether it's Barney the White House dog's indescretions, global warming, or a messy war in Iraq, this device will eliminate all traces. While supplies last!

CLOSE OUT! Be the first on your block to own the George Deutsch Tater Twister! This frisky little 24 year old Texas A&M journalism major doubles, er, doubled as a public affairs decision maker for NASA! And he's great for turning potatoes into curly fries, twisting facts and manipulating science!

Prices Slashed! The Michael Brown Toasted Sandwich Maker is arguably one of the most useful appliances ever invented. Mr. Brown has experience with Arabian horse shows and has an inflatable resume! What's more, he is a self proclaimed fashion god!

MAKING ROOM FOR NEW MODEL! As seen in Skymall Magazine, the Scott McClellan Popcorn Popper blows hot air, endlessly repeats talking points, and makes a big batch of buttery, fluffy popcorn! This item is being phased out to make room for the new and improved Tony Snow Popcorn Popper (photo coming soon!)

A MUST HAVE! As seen on TV, the War In Iraq uninstalls brutal dictators, spreads democracy in the Middle East, slices, dices, juices, blends, pulverizes, and - fights terrorism. The amazing 12-in-1War In Iraq gives the US a permanent foothold in the most oil-rich region of the world. This hand appliance slices through the heart of tyranny, and blends different ethnic groups. It smokes ‘em out. It doesn’t cut and run; it brings it on! It takes the fight to the terrorists, and makes the Middle East safer.

WrongCo is a proud sponsor of Small Appliance Puppet Theater which will be offering a demonstration of these products at the Blue Theater, 916 Springdale on Sunday, August 13 at 5 and 7:30 pm. Call 512.923.2277 or email info@chrishumphrey.org for reservations.

Cheney + Rumsfeld = BFF

2006-07-25T06:29:00.000-07:00

Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in 1975, conspiring to cover up atrocities in VietNam.

Call them what you will: The Evil Twins, The Real Axis of Evil, Evil Bastards, Evil & Eviler, Lord Skeletor and Hordak, Asses of Evil, The Cabal... Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney do have one redeeming quality. They are Best Friends 4EVER!

Their friendship dates back to the 70s when they pulled what remains one of their all time favorite school-boy pranks, the Tiger Force Cover Up! Atrocities in Vietnam? Oh, pleeeeeeze. What a lark!

Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in 2006, plotting to torture prisoners and singing their favorite song, "Rendition!" from the smash hit Puppet Government,

Thirty-one years later, they may show considerable thinning of the hair and thickening of the waist, but these two are still inseparable and they're still having just as much fun. Their latest game is one they call "Extraordinary Rendition." It goes something like this: You abduct someone suspected of something you don't like, throw 'em on a plane and send them off to another country for "interrogation." Torture the prisoners? The US doesn't permit, tolerate or condone torture! And besides, it's only torture if there's a physical injury -- such as death, right? But maybe in Egypt or Syria the standards aren't quite so stringent. Rumsfeld says it's a 'really fun game', one that he and Dick never tire of playing.

Yes, these two know the true meaning of friendship, and it's inspiring to see.

R: Dick?
C: Rummy?
R: BFF?
C: BFF! Totally!

Small Appliance Puppet Theater applauds these wholesome American values. Dick, Rummy, you're an inspiration to us all.

Scholars, scientists and physicians lend a hand

2006-07-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

It was a busy day at RedHouse Minimum Security Prison where white collar inmates were recruited to do community service for local theater company Small Appliance Puppet Theater. Some of our nation's finest minds pulled together to create what are certain to be some of the funniest, most popular puppets at the entire 10th International Fringe Festival in New York next month.

SAPT director Chris Humphrey was on hand to personally thank the inmates for their assistance and to oversee the project. This is what she learned.

Pictured at left are Professor Steve "The Pen" Barney and human rights activist Lisa "Rock Star" Schneider. Professor Barney is known for writing political satire, and it is no coincidence that he is the author of Puppet Government, the play that SAPT will be performing next month. In fact, it was his inflammatory writing that got Professor Barny imprisoned. Ms. Schneider was convicted for crimes against the state when it was proven that she not only registered voters, but she also drove them to the polling places during the last presidential election. By another amazing coincidence, Ms. Schneider plays the violin on the cast recording of Puppet Government (see our blog entry from July 12).

Former appliance salesman Joe "While Supplies Last" Bowen is the go-to man if you need absolutely anything behind bars. Apparently incarceration has not slowed down his business activities, and he reports that third quarter sales are booming. Joe ran afoul of the law when he questioned the Ohio ballot count in 2004. At his left we see Dr. Charlotte "Hotty" Harris, a world renowned and internationally respected global warming expert. Apparently her reality based data conflicted with the Bush administration's "fact based reality." Dr. Harris will be locked away until global warming can be proven or the earth dies, whichever comes first.

One of the most notorious prisoners we met was Dr. Ben "Doc"Johnston. Dr. Johnston, a former military surgeon, was dishonorably discharged from the US Army and inprisoned when he refused to torture prisoners. In an interesting twist of irony, Dr. Johnston is shown here testing Vice President Dick Cheney's pacemaker.

Last but not least, we met former hairdresser to the stars Paula "The Diva" Gilbert. We ran into Ms. Gilbert in the prison beauty salon where she was giving Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice a new look. Ms. Gilbert was put away for joining Cindy Sheehan in protesting the war in Iraq. We must confess we that when we left Ms. Gilbert we felt a little concerned that she had been "rehabilitated," as she was singing to herself, "I've got that war, war, war, war, down in my heart."

Nevertheless, SAPT wishes to publically that all the participants in yesterday's community service project. And for those of you who are reading this, we're sure that the prisoners would appreciate hearing from you. Just drop them a note in our comments section and send them a little something to live for.

White House Haunted by Ghost of Richard Nixon

2006-07-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

White House sources say that President George W. Bush was paid a surprise visit last night by the ghost of Richard Nixon.

In an effort to show the current president the error of his ways, the former president spent the first part of the evening reviewing his own crimes: secret bombings in Cambodia, the Watergate cover-up, spying on anti-war demonstrations, just to name a few. He ended his litany with a chain rattling moan.

Bush was seemingly unimpressed. "Guess you got what you deserved," he smirked.

Nixon, seeing that his own example was not enough, turned to the Socratic method, asking Bush what he thought his own legacy would be.

"That I caught a 7 1/2 pound bass?" the president answered.

In a last attempt to help the chief executive correct his evil ways before it's too late, President Nixon showed Bush what his place in history would be if he didn't turn back and make amends for all the wrongs he has done.

Unfortunately, this author was, under threat of torture, required to take an oath of secrecy and is unable to divulge whether or not Nixon's mission was successful. I have it under good authority, however, that the answer will be revealed in graphic detail in Small Appliance Puppet Theater's performance of Puppet Government in August.

What the President Meant to Say

2006-07-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

It's never easy being the mouthpiece for a man who can't speak his mother tongue, confesses Scotty McClellan, President Bush's former Press Secretary, pictured here singing the soulful What the President Meant to Say in Small Appliance Puppet Theater's upcoming performance of Puppet Government.

He opens his mouth, and some words tumble out
and I have to explain what he's talking about,
and sometimes I DON'T KNOW!

When asked to give some examples, Scotty gave us these following quotes from his (former) boss:

I think — tide turning — see, as I remember — I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of — it's easy to see a tide turn — did I say those words?
You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone.
I aim to be a competitive nation.
No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that.
And so I'm for medical liability at the federal level.
I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs.
Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.
The best place for the facts to be done is by somebody who's spending time investigating it.
I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend.
If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate.
Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their, their love with women across this nation.
Because the — all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those — changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be — or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the — like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate — the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those — if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.
Wow! Brazil is big.

(click here for more bushisms)

When asked if he was bitter about losing his job to former Fox news anchor Tony Snow, Mr. McClellan broke down in tears saying that he had given his all to his job and he had given his all to the President. But it wasn't enough. "It will never be enough," he said. "There will never be enough 'all' to explain what the President meant to say."

Once he had regained his composure, we asked Mr. McClellan how he was spending his time now that he's not in the Bush administration pressure cooker any more. "I write a lot of haiku," he said. "I find it extremely therapeutic. Would you like to hear a couple?"

The man has no brain.
I do the best I can but
He butchers my tongue.

Dubya? Double u?
Does it make a difference?
He can't spell his name.

Does he even care
He sounds like an utter fool?
He's the decider.

Cover the mirror.
The emporer has no clothes.
Not that he'd see it!

You can help make puppet history

2006-07-21T06:12:00.000-07:00

Hell, you can even help make puppets!

This Sunday, July 23, will be a puppet work day at RedHouse ArtSpace, 103 Laurel Lane. Beginning at 1 pm and going until we're either too tired or too beered-up to do any more, Small Appliance Puppet Theater and friends will be making FOURTEEN new puppets and repairing or sprucing up SEVEN others. That's TWENTY-ONE puppets that need attention.

All the body parts have been harvested and are sitting in a nice preserving medium just waiting for the attack of the glue guns. Dick Cheney is lobbying for a larger penis, one oh about that big. (Please don't tell him it ain't happening; we've got him thinking he's going to be the stud of the cast. NOT! heh heh.)

We'll also be working on the new and improved set, one that is more portable than the one we've been using.

So whether you can cut and paste (the old fashioned kindergarten way), or paint, or saw (we're hoping that Jonathon the Sawmeister of Yellow Tape Construction Company fame will be able to join us. That man can saw like the wind!), please join us for all or part of our work day. Even if you can't stay to work, at least drop by and bring us some milk and cookies. Or beer. Email us at info@chrishumphrey.org if you need directions.

And thanks in advance!

Getting famous-er all the time

2006-07-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

Score! The Plano Star has done a feature story about Small Appliance Puppet Theater puppeteer, singer and general rabble rouser Jeff Swearingen and his role(s) in Puppet Government. Can you pick Jeff out of the line-up? Let's see. In no particular order there's Donald Rumsfeld, Scott McClellan, Jeff Swearingen. You've got a one in three chance of getting it right. Good luck!

Not pictured, but also being played by Jeff are Julie Meyers, Richard Nixon and Tony Snow. And possibly someone else we've forgotten.

It's not easy being mean

2006-07-19T16:25:00.000-07:00

It's not easy being mean,
Feeling each smile turn to sneer,
Killing all joy with a jeer...

When Vice President Dick Cheney sings these words, what is he trying to tell us? That meanness is an advanced skill? That it's difficult? That you shouldn't try it at home?

Or is he saying that by virtue of being mean, his life is not easy?

Scholars have been debating this question since the 70s when Mr. Cheney won his first congressional seat. But now scientists think they have the answer. An investigation into the Vice President's medical records reveal that...

...Dick Cheney has a black heart! (pictured at right) Consequently, he cannot help himself. It is his destiny to be mean.

This discovery has, of course, opened the door for further scientific and philosophical debate: Does the black heart cause his dyspepsia, or is it the other way around? Perhaps it is his innate cruelty that caused the heart to rot.

Perhaps the answer lies in the final stanza of Mr. Cheney's solo, which will debut at the 10th Annual International Fringe Festival August 20-27:

I haven't a heart I can trust --
It's unjust!

Theologians maintain that his soul is as black as the devil's hind quarters, but this has not been scientifically substantiated. And of course with Cheney so well placed, one can be certain that funding for this research will not be forthcoming any time soon.

On second thought...

2006-07-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

There's a certain thing that all film sets have in common, as I was reminded today when I was shooting a commercial: there's an awful lot of down time when the talent sits around, drops names, trades war stories and eats way too much crap from the craft table out of sheer boredom.

I was quite pleased that I had remembered to take Puppet Government material to work on while I sat there waiting for hours for them to need my services. (Four shots in 10 hours. What a day!) I got a lot done -- mostly making lists reminding me of all the things I still have to do. Ouch. But also, since the shoot was in a large discount store that we badmouth in our play, I was able to buy some props and puppet pieces while I was there. Like a miniature plastic roast turkey, for example. And googly eyes. Lots of them.

The conversation turned, as it always does, to "what are you working on currently?" and so I was able to tout our little show. One of my fellow actors, a military wife whose husband is on his second tour of duty in Baghdad, asked me to give her the information about the preview, so I wrote it all down for her. When she saw the date, she said, "Oh! The 13th! My husband should be home by the 10th. I can bring him!"

I started back pedalling as fast as I could, "Uh, gosh, um, you know, gee, if he's getting home on the 10th, you're not going to want to bring him all the way to Austin for a play. Heh heh (especially not this one!)"

"Oh no," she replied. "We'll get a babysitter to keep the kids overnight, come into town for dinner and your show, get a hotel room... And did I mention that he really likes President Bush? And did I show you my picture of him? See how big and strong and burly and strong and big he is? Did I mention that this is his second tour of duty in Iraq? And that he likes President Bush? A lot?"

"Really," I said, "I don't think he would enjoy this show at all. Maybe you should take him to see Pirates of the Caribbean instead. Yeah. Really. Maybe just a quiet dinner and a movie, yeah. That's what you should do. Please don't bring him to our show, please?"

I never thought I'd want to turn anyone away from our show. We have a message, dammit, and we're not afraid to state it: the war in Iraq was a bad choice made for the wrong reasons by a dangerously ignorant man who, despite his title, is not the one in charge.

It's a fine line to walk: To participate fully in speaking the truth as we see it, to exercise our 1st Amendment rights. And, on the other hand to not offend men and women who are putting their lives on the line following the directives of their commander-in-chief.

It's fun to preach to the choir, to make people laugh and say, "YEAH! You nailed it!" It's fun to rattle some cages and help people to see things differently. And it's scary as hell to put it out there for an audience that's big and strong and burly and just getting back from the battlefield. The coward in me hopes he will find something else to do that night. The idealist in me thinks, hopes, that maybe I'm not giving him enough credit and that just maybe he can enjoy a laugh or two and have a fun evening out with his wife.

Benefit Performance Announced. Make your Reservations NOW!

2006-07-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

The people and appliances at Small Appliance Puppet Theater hope you have been enjoying the adventures of W and the gang here on our Puppetgov blog. This blog space is free, and our pals in the White House are extremely generous in supplying us with new material -- almost daily -- for which we are most grateful. We expect that the comedy, both in our nation's capital and here at Puppetgov.blogspot.com will continue long after our little play has closed.

But putting on a show like this is not free. In fact, it's a very expensive undertaking for a no-budget theater company that formed only last November. To that end, we will be hosting a fundraiser/benefit/preview performance of Puppet Government on Sunday, August 13 at the Blue Theater, 916 Springdale (Austin, TX) at 5 and 7:30 pm, before taking the show to New York for the 10th Annual International Fringe Festival. Make your reservations for this fundraising event NOW by e-mailing info@chrishumphrey.org. Tickets are $10, but don't feel compelled to stop there, as we are accepting donations as well to help us on our way to New York.

Women and Their Work, a local non-profit arts organization, has very graciously agreed to be our fiscal sponsor. What this means is that you can make a contribution to Women and Their Work -- a contribution which is tax deductible to the extent permitted by law. Women and Their Work, in turn, will see that your donation filters down to us little guys.

No donation is too small or too large. We are in need of absolutely any amount you can share with us. Checks can be made out to Women and their Work with 'Small Appliance Puppet Theater' in the memo line and mailed to:

Small Appliance Puppet Theater
103 Laurel Lane
Austin, TX 78705

We are the only group from Austin participating in the festival this year, and we are working hard to make Austin proud! We thank you in advance for your generosity and good wishes and hope we see you in Austin on August 13 or for the big party in the Big Apple!

And now, back to our regularly scheduled nonsense...

The Press Secretary begs for donations while George W Bush
and two members of the press corps (pictured at right) look on.
Meanwhile Condaleeza Rice (center) flirts with a member of the audience.

Cheney gets a perm...and maybe a nose job?

2006-07-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

Mr. Potato H, the individual who has been "donating" his body parts, was seen this morning in the hospital barber shop where he was getting a shave in preparation for his nose removal surgery. Mr. H has already had his arms and his eyes removed, and it is rumored that they have gone to elite members of the Bush adminsitration. Evidence indicates that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld purchased Mr. Potato H, Mr. H's wife and all their collective body parts on e-Bay for $12.47. It is not known who will be receiving Mr. H's nose, though there is some evidence to suggest that it may be going to Vice President Dick Cheney.

In what may be nothing more than a coincidence of rather cosmic proportions, Vice President Cheney was spotted getting a perm in the very same hospital barber shop. Cheney, who suffers from chronic heart problems, dating from 1978 when he was running for Congress the first time, wears a pacemaker, pictured below.

Is there a connection between Mr. Cheney being in the same hospital and the same barbershop at the same time as Mr. H? Will Cheney be the recipient of Mr. H's nose? Inquiring minds want to know!

Mr. Cheney refused to comment about the specifics of his visit to the barbershop/hospital complex, snarling only that he "needed a new look, OK?"

Meanwhile, Mr. H's surgery was successful and now with the help of painkillers and his favorite music, he is resting in his room. He appreciates the mail he has received from readers during his previous operations and hopes to hear from more of you soon. You can contact him by leaving a message in our comments section.

Playwright claims, "I Am Not the President's Lapdog!"

2006-07-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

Steve Barney, playwright

In an exclusive interview yesterday, playwright Steve Barney of Austin, Texas, catagorically denies the suggestion that he is the President's lap dog. What follows is a transcript of the interview that puppetgov.blogspot.com conducted with the author of a new play titled Puppet Government. Mr. Barney, who also acts in the role of President George W. Bush in this play, is preparing for the world premiere of the full length version at FringeNYC next month.

Barney, the White House Dog
PGB: Mr. Barney, it's a pleasure to have you in our studio today.

SB: Thanks very much.

PGB: Mr. Barney, you have been compared recently to a rather famous Scottish Terrier. What's your take on that?

SB: We do have some things in common. We're both named Barney, that's the most obvious similarity. We both have dark hair. And we're both have considerably higher IQs than the president. We even share a love for our country and a perhaps even a concern for America's reputation in the world. After all, it was Barney the dog that discovered the only existing White House copy of the Geneva Convention and brought it to the attention of the President. You've got to admire that. Good dog. Good Barney.

PGB: Well, yes, we certainly see the resemblance. Yet you seem to want to dissociate yourself from any comparison with the First Pooch. What's with that? Don't you like dogs?

SB: I like dogs just fine. But you have to understand that canines, by their very nature, are extremely loyal to their masters -- especially masters who shower them with toys, a huge White House lawn for doing their "business", female companionship, photo ops, firsthand exposure to world events.

PGB: Are you saying that Barney Bush has been taken in by all these privileges?

SB: You've got to admit it's pretty darn seductive. And he is a dog. I suspect that his motives in showing Bush the Geneva Convention were no doubt inspired as much by his willingness to please his master, as by whatever altruistic desire he may have to save the world.

PGB: "Please his master?" So, you're not loyal to the President?

SB: I'm loyal to the Truth as I see it.

PGB: Have you ever spoken with Barney Bush?

SB: Yes, once over a couple beers. He talked about how he's annoyed at Larry Wilkerson for saying that Colin Powell regularly "trooped over to the Oval Office and cleaned all the dog poop off the carpet." Barney worries that people think he's the source of that dog poop. He also told me frankly that he's still angry with the President for dropping him on the pavement in front of the Midway All-Stars girls' softball team.

PGB: Before we finish this interview, I would like to ask this one final question. Aren't you afraid that the NSA is going to take you down for being so outspoken? Aren't you just a little bit paranoid?

SB: I believe that was two questions.

PGB: Oh! So it was. Well, unfortunately, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you so much for your candid remarks, and best of luck at FringeNYC.

SB: Thanks, and it was a pleasure being here.

White House Rediscovers Geneva Convention

2006-07-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

In breaking news yesterday, the Bush Administration announced that the sole White House copy of the Geneva Convention was discovered yesterday. The document had been missing for several years, and, as President Bush humorously noted in a press conference, “It was kinda, ‘out of sight, out of mind!’” He then smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand and said, “D’oh!” in impersonation of Homer Simpson, drawing chuckles from the assembled press corps.
White House spokesman Tony Snow was vague about the details of the rediscovery of the Geneva Convention. “It just kind of – turned up, all right?” he snapped, before asking “Does anyone want more Kool-Aid?”

Inside sources, however, point to Barney, the White House Dog. President Bush and his dog were allegedly playing the President’s favorite game, “Let’s Pretend to Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction” when Barney stuck his nose under the cushion of an Oval Office sofa and discovered some crumpled papers.

Bush: Maybe the WMDs are in the closet! Ha, ha!
Barney: Woof!
Bush: What is it, Barney?
Barney: (more insistent) Arf, arf!
Bush: Is there a fire in the barn?
Barney: (shakes head) Ruff, ruff, ruff!
Bush: Two syllables. Timmy? He’s fallen into the well and he’s trapped by a cougar and the creek is rising?
Barney: (tears chunk from sofa cushion) BARK!
Bush: The Geneva Convention! Our principles are in danger! Well, why didn’t you say so!

Apparently, the cover of the wadded-up the Geneva Convention was graced with the following handwritten note: “Scooter: Make sure this document stays hidden from GWB.” The note was signed, “Rummy.” The identity of this mysterious “Rummy” is still unknown.

Sources say that Barney then began to read the text of the Geneva Convention to the President, who soon got bored and began to putt golf balls across the Oval Office carpet.

Barney holds a Press Briefing to discuss the discovery of the missing Geneva Convention. White House Photo by Alex Cooney.

We're practically famous (by association)!

2006-07-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

OK, so Small Appliance Puppet Theater may be an Austin company, and Puppet Government may be locally grown; but one of our actors, Jeff Swearingen, comes to us from Big D where he's still busy at work (are you ready for this?) directing a children's theater melodrama! There's a cool article about Jeff in today's Plano Star, so check it out (there's even a nod to Jeff's next project -- FringeNYC!). When this show closes, then we have him full time (playing Rumsfeld, Scotty McClellan and others) until the party is over, yippee!

It's a heartwarming tale, a simple guy from Yale...

2006-07-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

Condaleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney work on the cast recording of Puppet Government at the RedHouse ArtSpace studio.

Five of the nation's top leaders took a day off yesterday to head to the studio to start laying down tracks for a cast recording of Puppet Government. "I was a little nervous at first," admitted the President. "I mean, I'm pretty good at everything I do, but this was the first time I'd ever made a record. Except for that time at the mall that time when me and Victor Ashe got drunk and went into one of them places where you can record yourself. I still got that CD around somewhere, and I gotta tell ya -- I cry every time I hear it. 'Endless Love.' That's what it was."

Dick Cheney interjected, "That does NOT mean that the president is gay. Any rumors along that line are nothing but idle speculation."

Ms. Rice, an accomplished classical pianist, was focused on the task at hand and declared herself in exceptionally good voice. Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of State, commented, "free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things," obviously referring to his own lack of musical talent which the sound engineer assured him could be fixed in post production.

Not pictured but present for the day's activities was chief advisor Karl Rove. Mr. Rove was unable to join in the singing due to a sore throat, but he did advise the president on what to sing and how to sing it.

See the tear?

2006-07-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

See the tear? That's actually a line from Cheney's heart wrenching solo, It's Not Easy Being Mean in the upcoming FringeNYC performance of Puppet Government.

Mr. Cheney has good cause to be moved to tears this morning. He (and the other puppets) received a wonderfully encouraging comment from a blog reader across the pond. What most folks don't realize is that, just like the rest of us, these little appliances are all too rarely praised or encouraged and (also like the rest of us) suffer for their art.

One of the worst things is when the puplic actually believes that the appliance playing the character actually is the character. The appliance portraying Dick Cheney (pictured here) wants the world to know that he is NOT Dick Cheney. He's just a hard working little food processor who enjoys long walks on the beach, warm puppies and quiet evenings by the fire. He (and most of the other appliances in this troupe) has a day job in a local kitchen. But acting is his first love, and he feels that Puppet Government has a message he can be passionate about.

So perhaps when you see him soulfully singing It's Not Easy Being Mean, you can be assured that he is connecting on a personal level with the emotions he's feeling toward the kind words he received today.

Thank you, thank you, Johnny P, for making a mostly unregarded troupe of small appliances feel like Major Appliances today. Refrigerators! Washing Machines! Air Conditioners! We may be small, but we aspire to be the biggest we can be. Your thoughtfulness has helped us on our way. First we take Manhattan....

Scenes You Won't See: Personal Virtue Ain't Enough

2006-07-10T11:34:00.000-07:00

We're trying, REALLY trying hard to tell the entire, unexpurgated story of Bush and his cronies taking the wrecking ball to this beloved country. But, alas... even after weeks of edits, we still have 2,450 words too many.

Here's some text that ended up on the cutting room floor today.

(Bush enters to deliver State of the Union address speech. Also Cheney and Press)

Bush: America is addicted to oil. And when someone’s addicted to heroin, how should you help them?

Cheney: You get them a cheaper supply of heroin. And that’s why we need to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

Press: Mr. President, have you considered suggesting to Americans that they drive less, carpool, ride a bike or take the train?

Bush: Alternative transit is important, that’s why I’m proposing to end federal funding for Amtrak.

Press: What about renewable energy sources, Mr. President?

Cheney: We believe in renewable energy – for example, coal.

Bush: And we can create other alternative energy sources. Such as switch grass.

Press: Did he say “switch grass”?

Bush: That’s why I’m giving this speech standing in front of an alternative energy lab whose slashed funding we’ve just hastily restored. And I am making a strong statement that somebody should do something about alternative energy!

Cheney: And I’d just like to butt in here to remind everyone that conservation may be a sign of personal virtue, but it is not a sufficient basis for a sound, comprehensive energy policy.

Isn't it a shame? As we've said in a previous post, there's So Much Malfeasance, So Little Time (see our June 21 post for another tragic script cut).Supporters of having a not-completely-destroyed environment may perhaps find some comfort: we haven't yet cut Philip Cooney yet.

Drop us a line to let us know what you think are the administration's most egregious blunders, gaffes, or outright crimes.

Technology, justly chastised, makes amends

2006-07-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

Once publicly exposed for their fickleness in yesterday's blog, my computer, the blogspot program AND my Yamaha DGX-203 have all humbly apologized and appear to be on their best behavior (with the possible exception of a still occasionally sticky 'i' on my laptop's keyboard).

This means that I can now show you the spiffy new postcard designed by curlwunder design artist Molly Humphrey.

It means that I was able to finish THREE songs for Puppet Government yesterday afternoon. And that means that I was able to go see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest last night, woo hoo.

It also means that I can use the rest of my weekend taking care of other things that need attention. Dick Cheney needs to go to the hair dresser; Pat Robertson's halo needs polishing; Donald Rumsfeld really needs that arm transplant (he lost an arm AGAIN this week). And we're thinking that maybe Condaleeza Rice should have a uvula. Not an easy design feature, but I have no doubt we'll figure it out. Check out our photos of these cute little appliances and feel free to make recommendations (especally about the uvula) in our comment section.

Sailor wounded in technology hell week

2006-07-08T08:12:00.000-07:00

Actual, unretouched photo of author at work this week.

Ever had one of those weeks when everything you touch turns to shit? This has been one of those weeks.

Monday
First of all, I was soooooooooo happy to have the long holiday weekend. I didn't actually have Monday off, so I took a vacation day. That gave me an extra day to work on Puppet Government stuff. Steve and I spent most of Monday morning preparing our beautiful postcard. The computer was not on its best behavior (I believe that's called 'foreshadowing' in literary circles), so we ended up spending far more time than we had planned, and using language that would have made a sailor blush, but we got it done, got it uploaded for the printer, even posted a copy here for you to see. We thought we were done (HA!), so we moved on to other things. Steve went off to make copies of the press release and I spent the rest of the weekend working on the music.

Tuesday
Fast forward to Tuesday night, just before bedtime. Ben and I were preparing our living room (aka rehearsal space) for the next night's first big rehearsal. That meant moving some things around, including my lovely Yamaha DGX-203 that I recently bought used from a friend of a friend. Five (count 'em -- F.I.V.E.) of the Puppet Gov songs were (notice the use of the past tense here? Can you see where this is going?) were stored in the keyboard's memory. The reason for this, for those of you who know better, is that when I bought the keyboard, I got everything but the software that enables me to transfer the music to my computer where I can edit and mix and make it pretty. I had called Yamaha just before the holiday and ordered the software, so it was on its way, just delayed a little by the holiday.

Somehow, and oh it still pains me to think of it, when Ben and I moved the keyboard to its new place, I accidentally hit the wrong button and got a message that said ALL MEM CLR or something to that effect. The stream of wordage that issued from my mouth fried that poor sailor's ears, I'm afraid. Bedtime was postponed for a couple of hours so I could reconstruct two of the songs we needed for Wednesday's rehearsal.

Wednesday
One of the things I do in my spare time (???) is write and publish an electronic calendar of fun dance/music/theater/arts events in the Austin area. Wednesday is the day I need to finish it up so that I can pick up a newspaper on Thursday morning, find one or two things I missed and then hit the 'send' button. Somehow, in my efforts at saving time (HA!) and using the old cut-and-paste method, sending info back and forth from an old list to the new one, yup, I lost everything. That poor blushing sailor with the fried ears got his eyebrows singed on this one, and I had to send an apologetic e-mail to the readers of Chris-Picks that there would be no calendar this week due to technical difficulties. Oh, the shame of it!

Thursday
I got an e-mail from the printer saying the file I sent him for the postcard wasn't hi-res enough. Dang. The file was on my computer at home; I was, of course, on my computer at work. No prob, though. I would fix it when I got home.

Much to my (misguided) delight, when I got home I saw that the package from Yamaha had arrived. Containing the wrong cable! I spend an HOUR on the phone with them. It took them that long to figure out that they don't sell the cable that I need. Meanwhile, our metaphorical sailor was writhing on the ground in agony. However, the software had shipped on Wednesday, so it should be arriving any day now. We'll see.

Friday
I got an e-mail from the printer saying that the new, improved file I had sent him really wasn't very improved at all. It was still too low res, even though I thought I had followed his directions. Sigh.

So when I got home, I ended up spending five (count 'em -- F.I.V.E. That seems to be a recurring theme in my life these days) hours not getting the computer to give me what I needed (when I could have been enjoying the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie). In a last desperate attempt to save my sanity (not to mention that poor sailor who was practically at death's door), I made another emergency call to Molly Humphrey of curlwunder design in Phoenix, and in half an hour she had not only reproduced our postcard in a printer-friendly format, she had spiffed up the design so that it packs a visual punch that Steve and I hadn't even thought of. Go Molly! (It's so nice to have a professional graphic designer in the family!)

Saturday
Today. I would show you Molly's stunning work, but guess what -- the blog program won't cooperate!!!! (Did I mention we still have dial-up at my house?) My computer is still misbehaving. For a while I had to copy and paste every 'i'. After five (again with the five) attempts, I was finally able to upload the image (above) of me working on all this stuff.

While I originally blamed all these technological problems on UFO interference and was just looking for some pesky alien life form that I could bitch slap into the next galaxy, I'm beginning to wonder. Maybe it really is the NSA. (See yesterday's post). After all, there was additional interest from Washington DC yesterday after I expressed twinges of paranoia.

BUT. Small Appliance Puppet Theater stands strong in face of all adversity. We will not be silenced!!!

Paranoia strikes deep

2006-07-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

OK. Is this creepy or what --- last night as we were winding up our rehearsal of Puppet Government, we were talking about our blog, this little piece of fluff you're reading right now. And we thought, wouldn't it be funny if we did a blog entry about the FBI or the NSA reading our blog and coming after us. And then we scared ourselves into thinking maybe they already are reading our blog and that the knock on the door is bound to happen any minute now. Just like in the good old days in the Soviet Union when Stalin was in charge.

Well...

This morning I checked the site meter just to get a feel for where our readers are (don't freak out -- it doesn't tell me who you are; it just tells me the city or sometimes only the state or country). BUT. Who was reading at the exact moment I checked? Somebody in Washington DC! Aaaaaaaggggghhhhh! Well, of course, it could only be the FBI or the NSA, right?

It's becoming clear that we're going to be forced to move rehearsals into our secret bunker (oh dear -- Steve and I were just talking about that the other day, too, actually) and communicate only in code. So, from now on, if you see something that says "Gycw pww yms pkyq" that means "Come see our show"!

Happy Birthday George W and Tenzin Gyatso

2006-07-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

Today, Small Appliance Puppet Theater pauses to observe the 60th year of our nation's leader. Celebrations at the White House were limited to a vanilla cake in the break room, reportedly purchased at HEB grocery for $12.99. According to sources, Dick Cheney arrived late and showed annoyance at finding that no one had saved him a piece.

Mr. Bush's REAL birthday party took place two days ago at Fort Bragg, N.C. According to the Austin American Statesman:

As he finished his lunch with soldiers, U.S. troops carried over a birthday cake decorated as a flag and began singing "Happy Birthday!" He blew out a candle on the cake and exclaimed, "Give me a knife and I'll cut it! Anybody want a piece?" Soldiers, perhaps recalling how badly the President had butchered Iraq, scrambled to get the hell out of the way.

OK, so we made up that last sentence. But that's what probably happened.

Why the early celebration? Mr. Bush is allegedly trying to change his official birthdate to July 4, the same date our nation was born - and additionally, Geraldo Rivera. However, his current birthday of July 6 has certain merits, as it is shared with Nancy Reagan (1921) and Sylvester Stallone (1946 - that's right, the very same day!!)

The Dalai Lama (July 6, 1935) reportedly sent the President a friendly birthday card expressing support for the idea of Mr. Bush changing his birthday - to any other day.

More birthday bonuses for our readers:

- See Marylin Monroe sing "Happy Birthday" to President Bush here.

- And.... always been curious how Bush's astrological chart aligns with the nation's? And Don Rumsfeld's as well? Get the scoop.

Philanthropy, hopeless optimism or scandal? You be the judge.

2006-07-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

Mr. Potato H, who has recovered from recent arm removal surgery, went under the knife (or actually in this case scoop and tongs) again this morning to have his eyes removed. In a pre-surgery interview Mr. H commented, "I hope my eyes will go to President Bush's newest press secretary. It seems to me that he doesn't see things too clearly, and it is my heartfelt hope that this will help."

Mr. Snow would not comment on whether or not he was to be the recipient of Mr. H's eyes, but when questioned about who was picking up the tab for Mr. H's continuing surgical 'donations,' he quipped, "The president doesn’t seem to give a rip about spending restraint," further implicating the current administration in the "Body Parts for Sale" scandal.

Next up for Mr. H -- a nose job! But meanwhile, he is resting quietly and would appreciate hearing from you in the comments section.

I Was Told There Would Be No Math, Only Adages

2006-07-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

Sixty minutes. Thirty-three appliances. Twenty-eight characters. Twenty-five scenes. Eleven songs. Five actors. One director/
choreographer/arranger. That would be me. The one, feeling divided, outnumbered and overwhelmed.

I asked for it, though, didn't I! And what's the old adage? Be careful what you ask for -- you just might get it. In spades, dude! In total bleeping spades! Given the opportunity to do it over again, what would I do? It's a no-brainer, folks. I would say YES, which brings another old adage to mind -- fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Which, in turn, reminds me of what my mother always used to say: God watches out for babies and fools.

I think I'll stop there. That's a good place to be -- being watched over by God. Gotta remember that while we try to work miracles.

Hooray for Holidays!

2006-07-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

OK, so the actual holiday is not until tomorrow, but Chris and Steve are taking today off from their respective day jobs (both funded by your tax dollars, by the way) so that they can do some much needed pre-production work on Puppet Government.

After much, MUCH computer wrangling, they got the promotional postcard finished, and it kicks ass, as evidenced in these samples of our typesetting expertise, though we have to give credit to Molly Humphrey of curlwunder design for her most excellent graphic. (Don't even get us started about the computer issues; suffice it to say that we thought computers were supposed to be our friends! HA!)

But back to Chris and Steve...they got the press release done and it's on its way to Fringe Central. They did a little work on the music. But THE defining moment came early in the day over breakfast tacos at Posse East when Steve showed Chris and Ben the new ending for the play. We would not be so silly as to give the ending away, of course, but we will say this: This show will get you laughing and then kick your flipping teeth out! Holy moly, folks, this show packs a punch! With writing like that, there's no way it can not be a total success.

Tickets go on sale July 30, and we can say with confidence that if you are anywhere near NYC August 20-27, you will want to see this. Go Steve! Go puppets!

We're in Print! (e-print, that is)

2006-07-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

Remember in the movie The Jerk when Navin Johnson first saw his name in the phone book and how excited he was because his name was finally in print? Well, at the risk of being as uncool as old Navin, we're pleased to announce that Puppet Government has made it into the e-pages of nytheater.com's FringeNYC preview. Don't just sit there. What are you waiting for? Go read it!

Rumsfeld Accused of Stockpiling Arms

2006-07-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

In a late-breaking story, it has just been learned that Donald Rumsfeld has been accused of stockpiling arms. Caught red-handed by our ace staff photographer, Rumsfeld is clearly seen in what would appear to be a classic case of arms violation.

It is rumored that he is buying entire bodies on eBay, having appendages and organs removed and then selling them at a substantial profit.

In a stellar bit of investigative journalism, Small Appliance Puppet Theater has indeed gained photos of the carnage.

Warning: The image you are about to see contains graphic material.

Shown is the tray of surgical instruments and the harvested body parts that have been linked to the upper echelons of the US government. It is speculated that the "surgeon" performing this hideous butchery is none other than torture-proponent Vice President Dick Cheney who has worked closely with Rumsfeld since the Ford administration and who remains tight with the Secretary of Defense.

Stay tuned for more details on this important story as developments unfold.

Condi Doesn't Like Her Appliance

2006-06-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

Small Appliance Puppet Theater has learned that Condoleezza Rice is displeased with our selection of the appliance to represent her in Puppet Government.

When Ms. Rice first viewed the Puppet Government web page, she reportedly snapped, "A rice cooker? It makes me look like a crock pot!" The Secretary of State further complained that we've gotten her hair "all wrong" and that she would never wear "those ugly green plastic earrings!"

Following her review of the Puppet Government script, Ms. Rice (pictured at right) was enraged to find herself portrayed as a power-hungry toady. "But I'm a moderate!" she stormed, while smashing a stack of of antique china plates. "If you think Bush's policies are bad, just imagine how atrocious they would be without me behind the scenes!" Ms. Rice also vented her fury at discovering only one mention in the script of her formidable piano skills and no discussion of her aerobics workouts.

SAPT staff acknowledges Ms. Rice's complaints, and we readily admit that we're not sure we'd want to be portrayed as a rice cooker either. But in this life, there are some things we don't get to choose. Condi will continue to be a rice cooker, despite the fact that (as she says), "I wanted to be the electric mixer! How come Laura gets the good appliance?!?"

And we thought that she'd at least be happy that we aren't including any of those Bush-Condi rumors in the play...

Yellow Tape Scores a Triple Crown!!!!!

2006-06-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

(Rebecca Robinson, Taylor Basinger, Chris
Humphrey, Kathleen Fletcher, Andre Meadows
and Sarah Jones performing the song, 'Kids
These Days'. Photo by Shawn Hannon.
Costumes by Kendra Williams)

(Jonathon Morgan with Rumsfeld, Brown and
McClellan. Photo by Chris Humphrey)

Congratulations to Yellow Tape Construction Company! They are closing their three-week run of I Love My Dead Gay Son: The Musical! this weekend, but not before scoring big time with the local reviewers. Check it out, folks. Are you counting?

Are we surprised? Hell no! Jonathon Morgan and Amanda Butterfield, co-directors of Yellow Tape are two of the smartest, most focused, creative and energetic people in Austin. These folks know how to make the magic happen.

Are we proud? Hell yes! Small Appliance Puppet Theater has a strong connection with Yellow Tape. Jonathon was in the original cast of Puppet Government, playing the roles of Donald Rumsfeld, Michael Brown and Scotty McClellan. And Chris, directer of PGov (and wearing the stunning yellow trousers in the photo at top), has been involved in three of Yellow Tape's four productions in the past year.

It's time to celebrate with and for our friends. Go Yellers! You do, indeed, ROCK. Seriously Rock!

We Have a Venue! We Have a Schedule!

2006-06-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

O! M! G! Is this really happening? I keep expecting to wake up and learn that there's been a terrible mistake. They didn't get our paperwork on time, or they're confusing us with someone else, or oops, sorry, they ran out of venues. Or something even worse that I haven't even thought of yet.

But it's really happening! We have a venue:

PLAYERS LOFT
115 MacDougall Street

We even have directions to the venue:

Cross Streets: Bleecker and West 3rd
Subway: ACEBDFV to West 4th, 1 to Christopher St/Sheridan Square

We have performance times:

Sun 8/20 -- 5 pm
Mon 8/21 -- 9 pm
Wed 8/23 -- 7 pm
Thur 8/24 -- 5:15 pm
Fri 8/25 -- 8:45 pm
Sat 8/26 -- 6:30 pm
Sun 8/27 -- 2 pm

We even have a link where you can buy tickets!

It's really and truly happening!!!!! Now all we have to do is, ugh, I feel sick. Finish writing the music, record the music, build the new puppets, learn the new script, learn the new songs, learn the new choreography, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, make the airline reservations, confirm our housing, raise some money (oh yeah, that).

No step for a stepper, as they say. With this cast we can work miracles, baby. We are talking theater magic here, folks!!!! Theater! Bleeping! MAGIC!

How Many Republicans Does it Take?

2006-06-28T08:47:00.000-07:00

This sent to us by our friend Jeff C., also known as El Jeffe (or El Jeffie if you really want to rattle his cage. But we don't want to rattle his cage because then he might not send us any more funnies like this one). Thanks, El J!

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb. Its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

The Hills are Alive...

2006-06-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

...with the sound of music, that is.

Rogers and Hammerstein, Lennon and McCartney, Barney and Humphrey, great teams of songwriting all. The first two you've doubtless heard of. But pay attention, because the third is about to make its mark on the New York musical theater scene, so start spreading the news. Puppet Government is coming to town!

Steve (Barney) came to the meeting prepared with lyrics and melodic notions. Chris (Humphrey) was primed with harmonies, bridges and developmental ideas. In one short hour they had pounded out two complete songs (Crony, Crony and The Plan) and spent the second hour working on what may well become an instant classic, the poignant What the President Meant to Say sung by the soon-to-be has-been press secretary Scottie McClellan (That's Scottie on the left, caught mid-sentence in this photo.)

It was hard work, it was great fun, and Scottie's song has the potential to become an earworm to anyone who hears it. Yup, the amazing songwriting duo of Barney and Humphrey have amazed even themselves. They ended the evening feeling exhilirated and brain dead, but mostly pleased with how well things are coming together for their little puppet friends.

Who's Got the Juice on W?

2006-06-26T06:42:00.000-07:00

I had two -- count 'em -- TWO dreams about George W. Bush last night, and in both dreams he was a cross dresser. Suffice it to say, it was not a restful night.

In the first dream, he was wearing a red nightie and sparkly red stilettos (as pictured in the unretouched photo taken straight from my brain while sleeping -- without my permission, I might add. And you thought the phone tapping and bank account monitoring were bad! The NSA is EVERYWHERE, man -- even in your sleep!).

In the second dream, he was not only a cross dresser, but overtly gay. We're talking drag QUEEN, honey! I seem to recall some scuttlebutt about a nickname he had at Yale that may have influenced my dream. Anybody got the juice on this?

Ishiguro Book Inspires "Donations"

2006-06-24T13:03:00.000-07:00

In a highly unusual and unexpected display of bonhomie, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld paid a surprise visit to the bedside of Mr. Potato H, where Mr. H is recovering from arm removal surgery. The arms, which are long and very springy, will be transplanted onto the shoulders of Mr. Rumsfeld within the next few days, enabling Rumsfeld to gesticulate even more wildly in his speeches.

When asked if he was concerned or anxious about the outcome of the impending arm transplant, Secretary Rumsfeld said, "There are known knowns...There are unknown unknowns. I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started."

Further comments from the Secretary indicated that perhaps Mr. H's seeming philanthropic services may have actually been bought and paid for by Mr. Rumsfeld and his cronies. "Oh my goodness gracious," Rumsfeld said, in a moment of candor, "what you can buy off the Internet...A trained ape can know an awful lot...just by punching on his mouse, for a relatively modest cost."

This author has learned that Mr. H's body parts were indeed purchased on eBay for $12.74 and include the organs and limbs of Mrs. H as well (pictured on the left). A very modest cost, indeed!

When asked what prompted him to sell himself so cheaply, Mr. H referred to Kazuo Ishiguro's newest book Never Let Me Go, saying that after reading the book carefully several times, he and his wife found the strength and inspiration to become donors. Mrs. H is currently acting as his carer until her own donation period begins.

Who'll Drink the Kool-Aid?

2006-06-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

While developing Puppet Government, it’s been fascinating to see how the characters take on a life of their own. For instance, the relationship between pals Cheney and Rumsfeld. It seems like whenever we turn around, there’s Dick and Don, off in a corner snickering about Condi, baiting the Press, or conspiring to run the country while W’s asleep.

When we performed the short version of Puppet Government, we discovered that Rumsfeld – then played by the fearless Jonathon Morgan of Yellowtape Construction Company – was often excitable to the point of being spastic, occasionally losing one of his little arms. (This phenomenon has led to an operation to get Don Rumsfeld better appendages – see previous post.) And we can’t wait to see what Jeff Swearingen, our new Rumsfeld, teaches us about the personality of our Secretary of Defense.

And Cheney? Ben Johnston has discovered that the Veep is really, really paranoid. And for good reason: this little Food Processor has got a lot of misconduct to hide. But he’s also got a heart – albeit a black one – and it’s sad and touching when Dick feels abandoned by his friends. The Vice President reminds us that it really isn’t easy being mean, but goshdarnit, somebody’s gotta do it.

We’re looking forward to discovering the inner selves of the new appliances in the President’s cabinet. Like Tony Snow – is it really true that he’s not here to drink the Kool-Aid? And if so… then who does he intend to drink it? (gulp)

Pre-Production Update

2006-06-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

We are one step closer to New York, which is to say, we have received our venue assignment, woo hoo! (They haven't forgotten us!) They have asked us not to publicize the venue until July 1 so that if there are any kinks to be worked out, they can get that done. We should have our performance schedule around July 5, at which time we will start telling the entire world when and where to come see us!

Steve is working furiously and/or feverishly on the final(ish) draft of the script, and we should be ready to start rehearsing around July 1.

Ben and I (Chris) have written a new song for the show called "It's Not Easy Being Mean," a sweet little number for Dick Cheney. We're also adding "Whatever Condi Wants Condi Gets" in a touching knife-in-the-back scene between her and Colin Powell. W's solo number "I'm the Decider" should bring the house down (and no, this is NOT the one floating around on the internet. This is far, far better than that!). Other catchy songs are in the works, both original numbers and parodies of easily recognizable tunes.

When I think of how much we have to do, I get a little overwhelmed; so mostly I just don't think about it -- I just do it. And slowly but slowly, the list gets shorter.

So Much Malfeasance, So Little Time

2006-06-21T04:50:00.000-07:00

The most challenging thing about writing "Puppet Government" is trying to cram all the Bush Administration's incompetence, arrogance, and outright corruption into 60 minutes. Gosh, we just can't cover it all - there's not enough time!

The following is an example of dialogue that wouldn't fit. It's from the scene in which some of Bush's inept cronies introduce themselves and then perform a little musical number (singing "Crony, crony, my resume's baloney!" etc). We hadn't picked out an appliance for Gale Norton yet, but here she is...

Gale Norton: I’m Gale Norton, former Secretary of the Interior! I may not have protected the wilderness, but I’ve been a good steward of the President’s agenda, opening up government lands for oil and gas drilling.

The Press: We were all sorry to hear about your resignation.

Gale Norton: And that had nothing to do with my office’s ties to Jack Abramoff.

We don't have room for David Safavian either. But crony aficionados will be glad to know that George Deutsch, Julie Myers, Philip Cooney, and the unfortunate Claude Allen will be represented. For more on Gale Norton (including a wonderful photo with Jack Abramoff) see http://thinkprogress.org/2006/03/10/another-abramoff-casualty/.

Summer "Slow" for Puppeteer

2006-06-20T06:23:00.000-07:00

If you ask Small Appliance Puppet Theater puppeteer Jeff Swearingen how his summer's going, he'll tell you things are pretty slow. In a schedule that would kill most mortals, Jeff is only doing two (count 'em TWO) tours with children's theater productions of Amelia Bedelia and The Plant That Ate Dirty Socks for Plano Children's Theater, a two-man production of Fun Dip, a reading of Seven Pieces of a Tangram, and shooting a short film. This is after having already done a guest spot with Dancing Tongue Literary, improv with The French Club Dropouts, an industrial shoot and some dinner theater. And this is all before gearing up for his primary focus of the summer -- Puppet Government.

This man is a perpetual motion machine!!!!! What's his secret? Drugs? A metabolism run amok? Do we care? Nah. With players like Jeff, you know that PuppetGov will rock New York, and we're lucky that Jeff is playing on our team because that is our purpose -- to ROCK. NEW. YORK.

Arm Removal Surgery Successful

2006-06-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

Small Appliance Puppet Theater is pleased to report that Mr. Potato H, the organ and limb donor who is giving so generously of himself to promote the arts, has successfully completed his first round of surgery and is recovering nicely in a local rehab facility. Mr. H had both arms removed today at around 11:30 a.m. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, a fruit juicer with chronic arm problems, is slated to receive the arms some time in the next week. If you would like to contact Mr. H in our comments section, he is alert, resting comfortaly and would love to hear from you.

Wonder Woman Sighted in Cast of "Puppet Government." It's True!

2006-06-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

We all knew (or if we didn't know, then we do now) that Small Appliance Puppet Theater puppeteer Paula Gilbert is a virtual wonder woman. She sings, she acts, she dresses opera divas, and she wields a mean puppet! In fact, she plays every single female role in Puppet Government, including some new ones for the long version of the show that we haven't quite been brave enough to tell her about yet. Heh heh. Soon. We feel absolutely confident, however, that she will embrace her new character(s) with her usual cheerful abandon and professionalism and get right down to the business of helping us figure out exactly how we're going to make it all work. (Note to Paula: Remember that we said all these nice AND TRUE things about you when you start feeling overwhelmed by the miracles we're asking you to perform and don't hurt us, pleeeeeeeeeeze!)

But wait! Ther'es more! Paula has signed on as one of the directors for Slapdash Flimflammery3. This is insane! To quote Loaded Gun Theory's official blurb: Slapdash Flimflammery locks 6 writers into a deserted theater at 10pm on a Friday night. They write feverishly through the wee hours, presenting finished scripts to the directors (that would be our Paula) who arrive at 7am. At 8am on Saturday the actors show up and rehearsals begin. At 8pm on July 8th the audience arrives and the curtain rises on 6 original works. (Click on the Slapdash link above for further details, including reservation information.)

Yes, people, it's true. The cast of Small Appliance Puppet Theater are the rock stars of puppet theater! YES!

Organ/Limb Donor Found

2006-06-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

In a surprising and overwhelmingly generous gesture, Mr. Potato H (who asked that we not use his last name) of Saranac, New York, has donated all his organs and body parts for Small Appliance Puppet Theater to use in their upcoming production of Puppet Government. "I always wanted to be on stage," Mr. H said, "but let's face it -- I just don't have the talent to compete with some of these amazing appliances. By donating my body parts, then I feel that I can in some small way live my dream through them."

Mr. H has relocated to Austin, Texas where the surgery will take place in the coming weeks. The first scheduled operation is an arm transplant for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Mr. Rumsfeld has suffered in the past from stiffness in his arms, sometimes to the point that they actually fall off, though he would like to point out that this has never happened in an actual performance. Once removed, Mr. Rumsfeld's older, stiffer arms can then be transplanted onto an appliance that doesn't wave them around so much when talking.

Small Appliance Puppet Theater would like to thank the entire H family for this generous gift. Mrs. H also contributed her eyes, feet, and a fetching red handbag that Secretary of State Rice has her own googly eyes on.

The Little Play that Just Won't Go Away

2006-06-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

Small Appliance Puppet Theater's Puppet Government, the little song-and-dance mini-spectacle political satire that earned "Best of the Fest" at the 2006 FronteraFest in Austin, Texas, is growing up and moving away from home. Yes indeedy, the new and improved version, now an hour long, will be invading the Big Apple in August as part of the 10th Annual International New York Fringe Festival, affectionately known as FringeNYC. First we take Manhatten, then we take Berlin.... no, wait. I think somebody else already used that line. Damn.

Puppet Government is written by the amazing Steve Barney, arguably one of Austin's funniest writers. (Steve gratefully acknowledges the White House for making his job waaaaay easy by providing new material nearly every single day.) The show is directed by Chris Humphrey (who also just currently happens to be acting in YellowTape Construction Company's original 80s rock & roll extravaganza I Love My Dead Gay Son: The Musical! But we digress.)

Stay tuned for the exciting adventures of appliances in puppet land, puppets in government, actors in puppet theater, Texans in New York, New York in August -- holy moly what were we thinking!